I tried to get away from the bullies, so immediately as the bell went. I dashed through the school door, I ran down the stairs in B block and out the door. I wanted to reach the safety of my home. Although it was not the best place to be. I had nowhere else to go. I ran through the flat and press the lift to take me to the fourth floor.
My heart was pounding in my chest as I arrived on the fourth floor. Andrenaline kicked in as I saw two guys standing near my door. I decided to use the other door to west. Now these flats that we lived in went up to 16 floors, I knew I could run as far up as I can and then a cross the floors and down on the other side. I needed to get into my home. I ran to the left through the corridor and up the stairs, to the fifth floor; I ran a cross the corridor and down the flights of stairs on the other side. However, both guys had spread out like packs of wolves.
Tony H, was already on the fifth floor, he was the worse one, I knew what he could do now. He was gaining ground fast. I jumped down six flights of stairs , then another six and ran to the third floor. I ran a cross the third floor just about to get to the stairs leading to the forth floor to safety. But there in front of me on the other side was Ted N. I recall running so fast and back through the door up six flights of stairs and just made it to my mums door.
I banged on the door I was hoping my mum was at home.
If she open the door they would leave. But as I waited at the door begging for her to open the door; Tony H and Ted N, both grabbed me. I held on to the door but it was no use, Tony H, pounded my hand on the letter box so I had to let go. I knew I was defeated two against one was impossible. I was now crying and begging please don’t, and worse I had already knocked the door, supposing my mum had come out the door at that point and saw me with not one but two boys, I knew I would be dead.
As I start to write this the tears fall easily, why am I putting myself through this, I’m thinking. I need to continue though as these memories are clearly still very raw. Something inside tells me to carry on.
I wipe my eyes and continue to write. Sad memories indeed.
Well Tony H and Ted N, they were both school leavers. I found out much later. They pulled me down the stairs. I was certain of my fate I knew this time what was going to happen. This time it was Ted N, that took the lead. I was raped on the stairs of my mums block on the third floor. However, yet again I squeeze my buttocks tight, but unfortunately he penetrated, but as I was wriggling and fighting the thing slipped out. Again I was saved somehow; and he thought he was inside but I could feel his penis thrusting underneath and in between my buttocks. “Stupid” I thought. After all I had learnt that the thing was dangerous and it hurt. Although this was another traumatic experience. I remember feeling as I had one over these fools. They were never inside. I guess God was protecting me at that time. As I could have caught some form of disease. I know there were many girls in the estate that fell prey to the rapists. One of them who lived on the estate never came back to school.
I remeber wishing they had been my friends, because then I wouldn’t have been be raped. I remember wishing they could read my mind..”would they have cared? But I was a loner and a nobody. I certainly did not fit in, I was seen as the weird church girl, the ugly one and definitely their sex toy. In some weird sort of way I started to resent my father. Why didn’t he write to me, why didn’t he call?
I had learnt to play mentally dead now, when bad things were happening to me, and today was one of them. I tried not to feel. Little did I do I would perfect this habit as the years went on.
Yet again, at school everyone knew what happened because now it was Ted N’s turn to talk. Life became unbearable, I was teased and bullied continuously. Although I never answered back. I was a fighter, learnt this from Jamaica. I was always in fights, and many girls would pick on me just so I could fight back. One day around six girls followed me home and into my mums house, taunting me. They laughed at our old fashion furnitures, I was afraid of what they would do in my mums property. I had no care for me, and I would have done anything to protect myself from beatings. I didn’t say anything to them, as I didn’t want to create a fight in the house. I really didn’t have anybody. I had nobody to defend me. Eventually they left, as I was not responding. As they were leaving they kept touching my mums things but every time they knocked something over. I simply picked them up.
I needed them to leave as quietly as possible.
After they left I went to my room, lay on the bed and I cried. I also felt upset that these people were ridiculing my mum. It was strange as as much as it was my mums things, they were mine too.
I guess it’s true an abuse dog will still find its owner. I wonder how many tears is contained in the human body.