Following my traumatic weekend. I arrived at school on the Monday morning. There was a lot of sniggering from the kids as I walked in the playground. I knew they were talking about me, I felt so ashamed. “Nasty” someone shouted. “Did you like it” another said. Then they started shouting in unison. I heard that I was just one of a string of girls who had been attacked by the same person. At lunchtime i was approached and someone said is it true you was rape by Tony H, naturally I said “me, “no”, I hated being at school, I hated being at home. I continued to deny the rumors and pretended it was someone else.
The rumors went on for a week, Tony H, knew that everyone was afraid of him. He was popular so everyone would believe anything he said. I on the other hand was a nobody anyway, I had no brothers and sister and I was living with a woman who did not love or care for me. I was in the UK on my own, growing up on my own. I would always be an easy target. I had to fight the teachers, racism was rife at that time, I recall a teacher spitting in my face. I had to fight the school children, the boys. I seem to have spent my life so far fighting. One thing I knew now was, that I was becoming rebellious, angry, resentful and very disturbed. (Not with my mum though, that would be suicide).
I did managed to survive the school day by hiding in the typing pool. The other children refused to sit next to me at lunch. I was extremely sad and lonely. I had no lunch that day. Luckily my best Friend was still my Freind but, I couldn’t tell her, as I felt contaminated and I didn’t want to loose her friendship. So I carried on like nothing had happened. I also tried to avoid her so no one would bully her because of me. The difference between myself and my best Freind was that she had a family. She had both older and younger siblings. This gave her the status I never had.
When it was home time I ran all the way home, I didn’t want to be bullied, I ran all the way up the stairs, then I took the lift and got to my front door, on the fourth floor. What greeted me was a complete shock, I stopped dead in my tracks. This was because someone who had heard about the rape and knew my address Had drawn graffiti all over my mums front door, on the lift and all over the walls. There was more than one person involved. I never found out who? “Slut” it read, “a slut lives here” “whore”, many other obscenities. I was panicked my mum would be home soon. That day I learnt my second word and the meaning. TRUST. I couldn’t and would never trust anyone again.
Before I could do anything else I needed to get these images of the property I ran inside and grabbed all the soap powder and liquid that I could find and I started to scrub. I scrubbed until my fingers had blisters as some of the graffiti were harder than others. I was crying while scrubbing. I remember looking out the open window. Something said “Jump”. I approached the window and just stared out into the open space. How much more pain can I take? I couldn’t even jump, I was also a coward.
I was bullied for the whole week, life at school was very miserable. But I pretended that I was ok. I thought the rumors had died down but I was badly mistaken when I arrived at my home a week and one day after school… Because right there waiting on the stairs was the same guy and his friend ..Ted N. The main two of the kilburn gang. I guess Tony H had mention how he enjoyed himself, and someone had told them where I lived and they wanted more….
It appears that my friend anxiety did not read my letter as right now she is back..that’s all folks..to be continued…