Following a series of disruption at school, I was excluded several times. I liked the attention I was receiving because in all the years of being in a England I didn’t receive any attention from my mummy or anyone else to be precise.
I was very sad inside though despite the disruption in school. I also recall being extremely lonely.
I wanted the teachers to like me and I wanted the children to like me; but I knew I was going the wrong way about it. I was gaining popularity, albeit for the wrong reasons. I also became the class clown. It got to a point that all the teachers were aware of me, but I pretended I didn’t care.
One day during PE lessons. I attempted to straddle the pommel horse (pic below used in gymnastics), I was good at gymnastic, and I had previously received many awards. However, Because I didn’t listen I nearly broke my back. When the teacher wasn’t looking, I decided to run and jump on the pommel horse. (Picture below) I jumped on the spring, and jumped forward putting my hand on the horse, and flipped over but without assistance I was stuck in the air.
My gym teacher ran over and assisted me down, naturally I gained attention from the other students, but this was because I was in trouble again. I felt really stupid. Then she saw it, my teacher had seen the bruises that I tried so hard over the years to hide. “What is that on your back” she said. “Let me see” By now the other children were looking; and like typical movie style I ran out the gym. My gym teacher ran after me.
I stopped when she called, I did actually like my gym teacher, but by now I had a reputation to hold, and she was trying to spoil it. With tears in my eyes, I begged her not to say anything, I asked her to promise. She said she wouldn’t say anything but. She wanted to see, especially as some marks were still bleeding. I lifted up my top., my gym teacher gasped and backed away. She came towards me again, as if compelled to do so. She lifted up my top again, and asked me who did this. I told her I was playing with my cousins and I was cut by the branches in the park. Yes a lame excuse. I was again absolutely terrified what would happen to me now. Despite, the disruption in school, my mummy was one I feared the most. I mean real fear to the point I use to see her in my dreams. I told my teacher that I was fine. I could see that my gym teacher was not impressed, in fact she was very concerned. despite the fact that I was such a disruptive child. I felt her body language and facial expression allowed me to believe my behavior was a cry for help; but I remember for a split second thinking, “why would you care”. She went on to ask how long this had been happening, I couldn’t tell her it was six years.
Later that day I was called out of lesson to the head teachers office. Mr Rosewarne the deputy head teacher was actually a nice teacher. I felt embarrassed that I had let him down, but my status of being “bad” was more important. It kept me from being bullied, and brought some calm to my life in school. By now I had even started hanging around with a group of girls. My Freind I met at seven was still in the picture by this time but I didn’t want her to know how I was suffering at home. It was my secret. I was living a double life, but when I was with her I pretended life was great.
I was comfortable with these girls but still very far from happy. Every single one of these girls had a sibling or two. Although I saw them as friends, I remember I was extremely jealous as I wanted to belong, I wanted brothers and sisters desperately. I don’t know if anyone could ever understand, but I felt emotionally wounded when anyone dared to talk about a brother or sister. It became a sick obsession that would leave me in an imaginary world where I had somebody.
Sorry for drifting. Anyway I arrived at his office. I thought, I was in trouble again but Mr Rosewarne told me he was calling social services, because the gym teacher had informed him of what she saw. I didn’t know who social services were but they sounded scary. I also knew Mr Rosewarne would not take no for an answer. If only he knew he had just signed my death warrant. He went on to say, they will be visiting my mummy. I recall becoming sweaty as the colour must have drained from my face. I think Mr Rosewarne noticed because he said don’t worry, with social services involved she cannot hurt you anymore. “She” I thought I didn’t say she did. Already my mind was working overtime, “I will tell mummy I didn’t talk” I thought.
Once Mr Rosewarne said, she couldn’t hurt me anymore, I felt slightly excited. “Did this mean someone would help me” maybe they would take me away. I was now a bit more relaxed, but in a strange sort of way I didn’t want them to hurt her, after all even though I was abused. She was still my only somebody.
I was bought back to reality when Mr Rosewarne informed me they would need to speak to me about home, and if there was anything I needed I could say. “I need food” I thought. This was because my mummy use to lock all the cupboards so I couldn’t get any food unless she gave me. I could show them the cupboard, I could show them the padlock.couldn’t I? Many thoughts were coming and going in my mind.. This was my chance to talk, after six years of abuse, I would be free. Wow! She can’t beat me anymore. I thought. How wrong was I?