Was this real love?

imageWhen I was thirteen years and ten months. I met someone I will refer to him as D.  D was a stocky guy and two years older.  I had met him whilst on the run from home.  This came about because a girl at church name Gina had started to teach me how to have fun.  Remember I said I had started to become rebellious.  I hated the world.  I attempted smoking but it didn’t like it but I would still try to be cool holding the cigarette in my hand. I wanted to finally give my mummy a reason to hate me.  I had spent so many years being beaten it didn’t matter so much. I had started stealing too. The odd sweets from the corner shop to the odd ten pounds from my mummy. It felt good at the time to be able to eat, as mummy didn’t give me money. So I never had lunch.   Well I didn’t take it from her purse I wouldn’t dare.  I felt it wasn’t stealing if it didn’t come from her purse. Instead I cashed her government giros each week.  I’m sure she found out but she never told me.

One day, I was told I was on free school dinners, just to add to my problems, I wanted the food desperately but I didn’t want anyone to know. We had to line up in different queues those who were paying and those who weren’t.  Eventually, it didn’t bother me as much. When you are hungry everything becomes nice; I loved school dinners.  As a result of getting free meals I didn’t steal anymore.

As a 13 year old I was in a world on my own, I saw my cousins occasionally but because I was labelled as “bad” anyway, I didn’t see them for a while.  Me and Gina became closer she was was five years older than me. she was more like a big sister, I wanted to be like her, and  I  definitely needed a Friend. I was now quite far from God, and I became more and more depressed.

One day  she told me to go with her to her boyfriends house,. He lived about a mile away. When we reached the house,  her boyfriend was  there with another guy, whom was his cousin. This was D.  I mentioned above,  I was uncomfortable at first, but boys made me feel uncomfortable in any case.   I recall they were smoking and eating peanuts.  Her boyfriend offered me a cigarette and I took it and tried to be cool.  I took a puff and choked , smoking was definately not for me.  He then offered me some peanuts.  I recall saying ” wait until I finish the cigarette”  they all laughed at me.  Little did I know that you could eat and smoke at the same time.  It was a long while after that I realized what they were laughing about. Yep, stupid me just made a fool of myself.

I recall Gina boyfriend beckoning to his cousin D, using body language to chat to me.  As a result we both went outside, I started to feel  comfortable around D.  He was very different to Tony H. Remember him.  I recall we kissed, I didn’t like it though as it reminded me of the incident with Tony H. I asked him to stop, but hear this he  actually did.  This was an eye opener as I felt in some ways respected.  We became inseparable, we attempted to sleep together but it was too painful. If you can recall the so called rape by Tony H, was never penetrative.  Although the experience was just as bad.

Unfortunately D, well  he was living with his stepdad who did not approve of him staying out, or bringing girls to the house. Our so called relationship came to a halt because it caused a lot of strife in the family. I was sad but because I was use to being let down, I wasn’t devastated.  After six weeks it was over.  I had learnt from my mother not to feel, not to hope, not to love. I was sad, and lonely once more.

by now I had been in England seven years, my life had not changed, I was existing on my own. I use to wish I had a brother or a sister. I wanted to be loved so badly. It was painful. That burning desire to belong. I had no one to talkt to whilst at home. I had no visitors, no friends ever came to the house.  By now, I resented God, I resented the church.  I was fed up of going to church. I wanted to be a part of a family it became an obsession.

Memories of Jamaica had faded, as I became caught up in this, lonely life.  There were times during my 13th year, that I would cut out picture of men. I would bring these pictures to school, and tell others. “That’s my big b

I recall I did resented D though,  because I felt let down. I became very angry, hated the world and everyone in it, I hated school, I became even more challenging.  I had no one to attend open evenings, in fact she never came, so I stopped trying at school. Instead I became attention seeking, and extremely  destructive. Eventually I was excluded from school.  I was a bit scared because I knew I would be beaten again.   Sadly, as time moved on my father became a distant memory.  After all, I couldn’t see him, I could only write and this was only when I could find money.  I was never given pocket money and I certainly didn’t enjoy the things other children did.  There was no toys, no new clothes. My life was that of a scullery maid.  I did not date to complain.

There was no one to keep my fathers memories alive. I was totally alone in the UK.

After the break up, I tried several times to speak to D, but he ignored my calls,  it was soon after this that I ran away for the last time… I’ve introduced D, here as he later became a  very significant part of my life.

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One Response to Was this real love?

  1. Riruro says:

    I tried being rebellious at school to fit in too… I sucked at it!

    Liked by 1 person

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