The devil and the deep blue sea.

imageCan you  actually believe this, my children were gone.  I ran to my friends house on the estate. I recall she lived at number 79 and I lived on another block number 500.  My readers, I became the  next Olympic sprinter that day;  Especially as the caretaker, remember him, he said an older woman came and took the children from my friend, she had attended my home to obtain change of clothes for the children.

My heart told me straightway who that woman was.

After all, there was no other woman in my life.  It couldn’t be my Aunt as I had not seen her for a long time. I was the bad seed and she no longer wanted her children around me.  I had tried to keep in touch though mainly with cousin D. But our contact was limited. It certainly wasn’t cousin D. I  had never told her what I was going through.  I learnt to wear my mask.

I was an expert by now.

I ran to my friends house and she told me, “the kids they are gone”. “Is that your mum,

wow she is scary”.

“There was nothing I could do” she said.

She explained that she was in the house when the door knocked, as she thought it was her kids she opened the door.  She was surprised to see a woman of authority standing there. She asked where I was and when my friend told her I went out she demanded to take the children.  I couldn’t be upset but I was disappointed yet again, that no one could defend me against my mummy, and even after so long away from her she was still in control.

That day I learnt my new word ANGER.  My heart was pounding in my chest to say the least.   I never told her anything, after all what was the use?  I left immediately, I walked at first but as I reached the corner I ran as fast as my legs could go to my home. The tears were running down I was frantic, there was a burning sensation in my chest .

“suppose she had moved” I thought.

Then I said it as we always do

“please God, please let me find my children, they are all I’ve got”,

As I said the word. I remember thinking back to how God use to protect me when I was left all alone when I was younger and how I would  use the bible as a shield. I don’t know if I used the God word out of desperation, but somehow deep down I was hoping he would help.


My mummy whom I had not seen for such a long time had taken my children.  She had just arrived like the sergeant major she was, and removed my children from my freind.  What right did she have to do this?

will I ever be free from her?

why am I such a bag of nerves at the mention of her name?

Fear gripped me, as I thought of facing her again.  I wasn’t scared of what she would do to my children, although the thoughts that she may kill them to spite me, did cross my mind.  I however blanked those thoughts as soon as they came. I was definitely afraid though that she would never give them back. This is how she had me, mentally disabled with fear.

Despite this, I knew,  that I had to be strong, I knew I had to go for my children. The fear was indescribable. But this time I thought this time she will never get away.  I was filled with new emotions, I was learning new words, I was being forced to defend myself. Another word I learnt  was strength.  I knew I wanted my babies back but I also needed help.

BUT,  where would this help come from? after all As mentioned several times I was terrified of my mother.  I ran to the betting shop and went inside, the gentleman at the door told me to get out as I was too young to go in there, ironic I was a mother of two, but still a child.

I shouted out “Eric”  “Eric”.  Then I saw him, he was annoyed, and embarrassed; but I could tell by his face that he knew something was wrong. After all I learnt how to analyse  my abuser, I knew when he was upset I knew when he wasn’t.  This time I didn’t care.  I needed him.  I didn’t get beaten that day but I knew that unless I cooperate. Things would not go my way.  

I told him what had happened, but I lied, I said I had gone to buy nappies, I told him that chemist didn’t have any so, I had to try another shop.  I told him there was a car accident and police wouldn’t let anyone leave. There was no way I could tell him that I was having dinner with another man.  I knew I had taken a risk and my children would have been without a mother; this was a death wish.  I did feel guilty, but as my thoughts went back to the lovely D, for the first time it felt like someone cared for me, he didn’t take advantage of me. I knew regardless of what happened, I would be seeing D again. I knew that he could help me fulfill my plan, and I really liked him.

Well that is what I thought anyway..

I jolted back to reality, as I felt a slap in my back.

“You had better find my children” he said.

He was angry because he had to use his winnings from the horses to take transport to find the children. At the time we were living ten miles away.   I still do not know until this day how she found me.  We were living on the chalk hill estate.  This used to be known as the concrete jungle, because of how the flats entwined with each other.

image

The high-density, high-rise flats on the  Chalk Hill estate in Wembley Park was built in several stages between 1966 and 1970. Thirty high-rise blocks were linked by walkways to provide around 1,900 dwellings. People use to often get lost on the estate due to the linkage.  (Google quote) But sergeant major, she found me, “I will never escape” I thought.


We arrived at the block of flats where she lived and where was once my other hell.  I knocked on the door and ironically I hid behind my other abuser, this was the first time she had seen him.  The first thing she did was take a picture of both of us with the old Kodak Instamatic cameras.

image

The picture would develop immediately.  She looked at me and turned her back and walked into the house as we followed. She always played with my mind and this was just another one of her games, but she won all the time.

“I’ve come for my children”  Eric said.

Well, I waited for her to punch him or get angry, but all she did was look at me, with that look to say I know where you are. Then she said.  “There they are”. Eric picked up the children, they were almost asleep, I walked out the house while they had a conversation and we left.  I didn’t ask what she said, I just wanted to leave as quick as possible.

What was the point in that, but I knew mummy didn’t realize the father was around.  she was defeated.

I was actually more scared of mummy, than my kids father. But hear this at the same time I wanted her to save me from him, I wanted him to be scared of my mummy too.  Sadly, it didn’t happen all that occurred was, in my mind, was my mummy had unknowingly given him a free pass to continue to beat me.

We left and went home in silence.  I was beaten when I went home, i was in so much pain that I stayed awake until morning. My babies couldn’t see me cry, i would remain their happy smiley mummy.

For me.  I knew I had to use D… To get away…

After all he was a nice man wasn’t he?.

.

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