The human shield

image I was 16 years old with two girls, at this point I know I was just existing, but although I knew that this was my life now, I needed an escape plan. In the meantime, I adjusted to being a mother and a partner and I tried to play my wifey duties well, I never complained as I had nowhere else to go. I hated my sexual duties as often I would feel as if he went toilet inside of me. I also felt suffocated, and worse the smell of alcohol always made me nauseous.  Despite, motherhood his sexual needs were always a priority, I needed to be ready at all times, rejection was never an answer.  I was the prisoner and he was the guard.

I never had my own money as I was too young, I had to ask him for what I needed.  This is where the idea of using toilet paper for my monthly menstruation came in. I learnt to steal the toilet papers from public toilets to use as sanitary pads.  Most of the  time his money went on the horses and I  learnt to do without.  I recall not having any shoes and therefore I couldn’t visit the baby clinic.  I grew matter-of-fact, and when the health visitor asked why I didn’t attend baby clinic?  “I had no shoes” was my reply, After a while it was hard to feel anything emotionally so my feelings were suppressed. This was especially as I needed to survive for my children’s sake.

I was now alone in the country for around nine years and I was still  very lonely, My weeks were filled with health visitors appointments as necessary. I learnt how to cook and was able to make basic stuff for my kids.   I was his official bed partner and so the abuse continued. I never went to the police, because I was afraid of the police, and I suppose I didn’t want anyone to know.  I never had visitors, and I never spoke about anyone so life continued day in and day out.  I do recall when my eldest daughter started to walk,  it became easier for me, although sometimes she would get tired and I would carry her along with the shopping,   I often wander  how no one ever came to my rescue or enquire how I was.

I must have have looked very young then, who knows maybe they thought I was the children’s sister.  Their father was a fantastic gambler who hardly won on the horses, his favorite pastime was in the betting shop, and when he lost on the horses;  you can guess what happened.  I use to also be a gambler in my mind, as I prayed for those horses to win. One day he came home in an extremely bad mood, there was no food in the house. Being a mother guess what I did?  I dared to ask for money.  He started to punch me until I was black and blue.  I did the unthinkable I took my baby daughter, well I grab her from the bed, and held her to stop the blows raining down on me, but he carried on punching.  My daughters head hit the side of the door and the top of her slid skit open, she started to bleed. He was even more filled with rage and punched me in the face and stomach. It was my fault after all, I should not have picked her up, but how was I to know he would carry on hitting me.  I was now crying hysterically my daughter was bleeding and it was all my fault. By now my tears were for her blood rather than my bruises. I was numb.

I was not allowed to take her to the hospital so I did what I could do stem the blood.  Luckily she healed, my daughter still has the scar and at today’s date although she is now 34 years old.  I feel a knot in my stomach for several reasons.  1) because I failed to protect her and 2) because I was a coward I had used her as a human shield.

I knew I had to escape but how?  I had met a friend on the estate, well she was his friend he use to buy marijuana from her, she sold it to feed her children.  She was a Rastafarian with three children two boys and a girl.  We became friends and she thought she was doing me a favour, as she would tell him to stop beating me, but the beatings just got worse. He  felt I was gossiping.  I recall many times, I would put a bottle in his way in the hope he would kill me, as everyday he would hit me; and usually he would grab what he saw, just because he could. I’m convinced God was protecting  over me those times.

He was certain I wouldn’t complain, that was because there was no one to complain to. I didn’t like him at all, but I guess after being abused so long, I conformed and accepted his behavior to try to keep. It was also a fact that I had nowhere else to go.

Mind you I still had my plan, it was time to put it in action.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to The human shield

  1. Hi Beverly, I’m not Andy, I’m Anne but I sure have got names wrong before myself, so don’t worry, I just received your replies 5 times again so I will stop following you until WordPress fix the problem with your Blog, please come and let me know when they do and I will catch up with your latest Posts and respond to them. You could try turning off continued moderating in your settings, that may help. Please respond to this comment on my Blog if wanted.

    What you said in answer to my comment about being Icebergs was very good and yes it would be good if you change it, you can be sure you were not just accepting what was happening to you but you were deeply wounded , fearful and confused and than nothing just an Iceberg, it’s emotional Shock.

    We have God given emotions Beverly and we are not to suppress them, we don’t have to be Happy Clappy all the time, Jesus wasn’t, He was known as a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief and He cried too. The emotions that are not good, are when we hold onto bitterness and resentment and when we get angry and seek revenge, these eat away all the goodness in us.

    Take Care – Blessings -Anne.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Beverley I can see you are having problems, I received your reply 5 times has WordPress responded yet? I have had lots of problems over the last 4 years but at present they seem to be resolved, what I find hard is they change their settings all the time but don’t work the bugs out first before using them, which means we have the problems to deal with but I don’t think their the only ones, change for change sake is the pits, Ron says if it works don’t fix it! so True.

    I have been thinking about something you shared Beverly that I don’t agree with…… it’s true saying that victims become comfortable with their abuser…… This is not True, what happens is at first we just agree to keep the Peace than we just give up, it’s all too hard, we become like icebergs, we stop feeling or caring. For many years I could not even cry, I was numb, I had just been too hurt by life but than I met Jesus and He healed me, yes I still get upset and cry at times so did Jesus but I always have inner Joy, which is the assurance that I’m not alone, God is always with me, He is my shield against the things that life throws at me, the Storms come but He is my umbrella.

    Blessings – Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beverley says:

      I totally agree Ann, it’s sad for me to hear that you still cry sometimes. I guess it was my upbringing, the crazy thought are somehow still rooted. I always saw others as tough :). You are very right about God being the umbrella, I really believe I’m one of Gods chosen ones, due to all I’ve endured, maybe once others have read my story ,who knows maybe they could also find Jesus. I’m sorry about repeating the post, thanks for letting me know it’s wordpress and not me. I am totally clueless but learning as I go. It took me four months to even post the first post, how daft is that? As for victims and abuser comment. Sorry I shouldn’t have made a general statement, I try really hard not to do that and focus on me. I think I was trying to say I became used to my abuser. Thanks for pointing it out, It’s definitely true what you said as victims we try to keep the peace and give up. I would like to change the post to reflect that. If you don’t mind. That is a new way of thinking for me. It sounds better too, and it sounds more like what I was doing. How funny is that. My immature mind came through again 🙂 Thanks Ann for taking time out for me. Love that. Hope you and family are well in Jesus name. Xx

      Like

      • Beverley says:

        Oh Anne forgive me. I corrected that sorry, it seem like wordpress is determined to embarass me. :/ and I have just turned off the moderation. Hope that works. Thank you for all the advice, I have definitely taken them on board.

        Like

  3. I could feel your pain and fear Beverley, and felt great compassion for you, I had a painful first marriage too, I will leave a link for you, sometimes life is the pits but as you said God is always with us, I would like to also share some of the Scriptures He gave me when I was going through a very bad Storm later in my life and I still hold onto them and find great comfort in knowing I don’t walk alone.

    Rescued – http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2014/05/25/rescued-from-the-graveyard/

    Isaiah 43:1-3 – Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.”

    Jeremiah 29 :11-12 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

    Lamentations 3: 33 For God doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

    Christian Love Always – Anne.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beverley says:

      Thank you Anne, I really appreciate these. I must say since writing my blog, I am so surprised to find so many other people that have gone through or going through the storms. It’s also sad that so many are doing it without god. I will most definately be checking your link and keeping these verses. I need them all. :). God bless to you too. I am glad you are out of the storm Anne, it is not a good place to be.

      Like

      • Looks like your problem is fixed Beverly, which is good, to be fair to WordPress they do manage many, many Blogs, but if you want to update a Post which use to not be a problem it is now, and Beep a boo boo or something like that which is shown first, is the pits, it shows someones immaturity, I grew up a long time ago,

        Blessings – Anne

        Like

    • No they are still showing Moderating- see you later

      Like

  4. T says:

    I felt myself flinching as I read it, my heart goes out to you.

    Like

  5. Andy Oldham says:

    thanks for sharing this heartbreak! Blessings to you!

    Like

    • Beverley says:

      Hi Andy, thank you for reading my posts, I’m not that good with wordpress yet, so I can’t tell if I have already replied. But this is to say I really appreciate all the comments and the likes. God bless.

      Like

Your time is valued. :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s