Moving back to the area with D, meant I was living closer to my Friend whom I had met at primary school in England. It was around three years since I saw her, and I missed her. My priority now was to find her again. Well she wasn’t lost, but my circumstances had made her unreachable.
I recall seeing her once when I was in a place called Kilburn. I saw her coming and I tried to hide. I was around six months pregnant with my first child. As she got closer I pulled my stomach in, well I tried. She came closer and said ” I can still see it you know”. That was my Friend very direct. I laughed, but it was fake, I literally wanted to vomit.
Where you living she said, I told her finchley, a London town, that was true.
However, I was also quick to tell her that I was also attending college. “Yeah, I am at ALDERMASTON college” I said. I remember seeing the name of this college in a book, I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t doing anything. I could tell she didn’t believe me, as she gave me that look she always did. Little did I know at the time 15 year olds couldn’t go college. I felt bad for lying, but she did not push the conversation.
I believe that secretly, I wanted to be back in school with her, the idea of knowledge always excited me. My new word that day was Envy
Well having arrived back in the area, visiting her was the first thing I thought about, her address was a few roads away from D. I was also free to do as I pleased a big difference living away from Eric. I recall telling D, I had a Friend in the area, he didn’t seem to mind; so off I went with my two girls. Although mentally I still felt stuck in time. Physically I tried to prove I was all grown up. I was still under 18yrs old.
I went to my friends door and bravely knocked on the door. Then I waited.
When the door opened, I cannot remember by who, I was reluctant to go inside but I really wanted to see her. Her mum was far from impressed and to be honest I felt embarrassed, I don’t know why but it must have been because I had two children. There was definitely an atmosphere with her mum. Although her father appeared to treat me normal. He did not judge me.
As the day went on, I was desperate for her mum to like me, and I tried to gain sympathy by giving snippets of my treatment at home. After a while realising what I was doing, I was bad mouthing my mummy. I changed the subject and concentrated on the babies. Her mum eventually warmed to the babies and started playing with my girls, She gave me motherly advice as to how to hold the babies. She then told my Friend to run an errand, and that she had to go market. I didn’t want to be left alone and I didn’t want her to leave. I recall asking her mum, if she could keep the babies so I could go shopping with my friend. Her mum surprisingly agreed.
She actually said yes, this would be the first time I had left my children with anyone. The freedom felt amazing. Me and my Freind we messed about, we laughed, we talked. I wished I could have told her about my life, but I wanted her to love me for me. At the time, I wished I was like her, I wanted to live her life with mum and dad and brothers and sisters.
It use to affect me mentally when my Friend and her siblings argued, I had this desperate need to have a sister, I thought I would never argue with my sister. Although, we had not seen each other for three years, it felt like we had never parted. Our friendship, for me, was the other most treasured relationship in my life apart from my father. My other treasures was my cousin D, (previous post) although at that time I didn’t know it.
This post is a honest reflection of my past, good and bad, I thought I would change my post according to who I was writing about, but on reflection I decided against this, as to take off my mask I have to write. So my dear Friend if you happen to read my blog, my feelings, my story are real, there will or may be things you never knew, but this was because I treasured our friendship more than you could imagine, I also wanted you to only see me, and not my problems. I’m glad I can still write today 43 years later, and say, thanks for accepting me for me.
You unknowingly taught me my new word friendship.