I settled into my new life. It was fairly comfortable and I was contented. This meant. I had a roof over my head, my children were fed and I had another child on the way. Although, I technically belonged to a family, I was deeply unhappy. I felt like I didn’t belong in Ds family. I wanted to get out as I felt so lonely.
Worse I felt trapped.
My father was never far from my mind, but it felt as if the bond between me and him was broken; on his part. I guess this was because there was so much trauma in my life. I had no time, let alone money to continue writing to my father; and the months flew past.
I believe my father still wrote but no letters were received. In any case I had changed address twice now. My last letter to my father was just before I left the home to move onto the Chalkhill Estate.
By the time I moved in with D, my most treasures possessions were my fathers letters. I use to read them over almost everyday when everyone was sleeping, I would trace each word in the letters with my fingers; then smile to myself. Other times I would take them all out and smell them to try to recollect my fathers smell. Although, I didn’t experience love by anyone in England, the intense love between my father and I gave me the foundation, to remember that I could be loved. Till today, I could definitely say the only time I felt that fuzzy feeling in my chest, was when I remembered my father. I know 100% he loved me. The love for my children was different as in my mind I was the one giving them what I believe to be love.
The longing for my father, left a void in my life that could not be filled. I knew that I would never be happy. I cared for my girls deeply, but it felt like they were possessions, just like my fathers letters, and there was the need to protect the letters and my girls.
I was becoming older, but I felt that my mental age was much younger, it felt as if my age had stopped at 14 years, like time stood still mentally, while my body was getting older. I had been beaten in my head so many times, I started believing I was stupid. It felt like I was incapable of intellectual reasoning. I kept quiet all of the time, so my dialogue with people were limited.
My third daughter was born a year after being back with D. This time it was different, I do not recall being treated bad at the hospital. The midwives were quite compassionate. I recall coming back from the shops with jam doughnuts and drinks, and as I hopped onto the bed my waters broke. I pressed the bell and a Chinese midwife came to my aid,
“ooh you won’t be needing these” she said.
We both laughed. I had laughed with a stranger, life felt like it was moving in the right direction.
We were finally given our new property on the St Raphael’s estate, and we moved in soon after. A far cry from the chalk hill estate.
It was not at all far from my previous home, around five miles. This gave me that sinking feeling, that Eric would find me again. It was a new building and it was very spacious. it had two large rooms separate kitchen, bathroom and toilet. I recall looking at the property thinking.
I don’ t want this. I wanted to be a teenager, I wanted to be free. the first thing I did was go to toilet and cry. I then got up told myself I was a fool and came out the toilet. I was now a mother, after three children it was sinking in, each birth had some reason behind.
“This is my life now” I thought.
D was happy with his baby girl, and life seemed different from the last two births. There were no beatings, I was treated well. As I recovered from birth. He also played his father role with all three children very well. The problem for me was his love for his baby girl, pushed me aside. Although, I was happy she was loved. I felt uncomfortable, I felt trapped and at times unimportant. Nevertheless, my girls were looked after well and this was all I wanted. After all they had to come first, they only had me. D treated me well.
I actually liked him.
Over the next few months, D’s family, sisters, mum and occasionally brothers use to come to house to visit; but sadly my two children were treated as outsiders, while my youngest daughter was included in the family. Although they were too young to understand I had learnt a new word, Resentment. At times I felt like I was my child’s babysitter, and i needed to be careful not to harm his property.
I was now 18 years old with three children. I had re-entered the world of a wife, I was not happy at all, to be honest I didn’t know what happiness was; I use to see people laughing and wondered how it felt to laugh and really mean it. Nevertheless I tried to settle into my new life with D.
As time went on, I had a bit more freedom, I would walk to the shops and come home. Eventually I started meeting other girls on the estate. They were not real friends but people I could talk to. I would occasionally bring my children to the neighbors when D went to work.
D was a trained boxer and loved to drink. I soon found out the grass was not as green on the other side…