I found out, the hard way that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side because…..
It was a lovely day outside, I was at home with my three girls. I had run out of milk for my baby, and I ran upstairs to get extra milk. I had met a woman with two children that lived above on the second floor. I came back downstairs and warmed the milk for the baby, but she just would not stop crying. I had tried everything to quiet her but nothing worked. So I just held her in my arms.
It was getting time for D to come home from work to assist me, I had the baby in my arms as he put the key to the door. She was a screamer, and did she scream that day. He walked over to me.
Hit me with almighty punch in my face, I saw stars. I felt my head go back an forth, and hit the side of the door.
“Why is she crying” he shouted.
I was completely and utterly shocked.. I couldn’t say anything, all I did was cry. There was no apology. My new word was “astonishment” My vocabulary was developing fast.
I was almost finding my voice by this time, and the next day I went upstairs and told the woman, that I went to get the milk from, when she saw my face she was definitely not impressed. She marched right downstairs the next day, and told him off.
Well I didn’t want her to leave for fear of what would happen. I recall the beatings with Eric, and I was hoping that this was the first and last. That night I slept in the room next door with my babies.
This incident did something to my relationship with my new baby. I felt distant from her and not like the relationship I had with my other girls, where I felt that they were mine. My new baby was Ds child. I felt my new role had begun, I was now an official childminder to his child. I knew that she needed to be fed and changed on time, to avoid another punch in the face. I felt uncomfortable around my baby, and tried my best to leave her with her D as much as I could whenever he was home.
I knew by now, that D realised that I had no other family but him, he knew he couldn’t get into trouble. He was the man of the house. I had sensed the changes for a while, but life was still better than with Eric. The sexual demands had got worse and the drinking was more obvious. I knew there was nothing I could do. I choose this life after all, didn’t I ? what I was beginning to realise at the time, was that my desperation for a family was not the best decision I made after all. I also realised that blood was thicker than water. Sadly, I would always be water.
In the past it was me against Eric. This time I had a whole family to contend with. I had sealed my fate, instead of my daughter being our meal ticket to freedom. She was the keys that locked the doors to my prison cell.
What would be my next option? .