Intoxicated by memories

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As I write my testimony, many different thoughts come to my mind, it’s like I am at a crossroad of memories and experience and feelings.  Memories that had been suppressed are resurfacing.

I had buried these memories in a box under the sea.  As time moved on some memories have escape  into my mind. This is because of the strong current and storms at sea.  My box at the bottom of the sea, although laying on the sea bed, remained unsecured for a long time.

 

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I know this because, I know what memories were in there, but whenever I had a new crisis, the box would send another memory signal to me, they would attach themselves to whatever pain, trauma, or upset I was facing.

This left me weakened and unable to cope with my situations.

It was  as if each past memory needed energy to breathe, it felt as if the older memories would join the new, sending me into a downhill spiral of depression.   Although, I  did somehow managed to claw myself back to the surface each time.

As I journey through this testimony, I am now not afraid, and I welcome them, those memories in my box at the bottom of the sea.   I now feel that God is saying to me.  Give me the glory and write.  In a strange sort of way. I feel I am being guided by him, This is because some memories that are being shown to me  now, were those I thought I had left behind.

I believe that it’s time for me to pull on all those vocabulary that I taught myself over the years.  Today one of those vocabulary..

FEAR“. pop in to mind, there were many of those, and it’s like they are saying choose me choose me.  There are many memories that are still with me.  Fear, conjures up  images of the abuse.

There are many chapters to this testimony, and as I journey through my blog.  the most painful memories surface,  just because I include them later, this doesn’t mean these memories are less important.  It’s because I was not ready at the time.  I do not crave  sympathy at all though sympathy would have been needed all my life.

As I continue to write, new post will become available and will just be slotted into my  timeline.

 

 

 

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8 Responses to Intoxicated by memories

  1. Andy Oldham says:

    you write very well my friend. I am blessed by your testimony.

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  2. maeiiri says:

    So many people just give up but you have made it this far! Your story will surely inspire other people to keep going forward. I am really sorry about all those abuses you had to go through. Thankfully this generation’s women are stronger and I hope this does not happen to anyone.

    P.s. you are a really good writer 🙂

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    • Beverley says:

      Thanks Maerai, I’m not sure about being a good writer :). I just write it as it is, but thank you for your comment. I know women are going through same as me or worse. It shouldn’t be, but I’m glad I am getting there. I really do hope to inspire others. Please try and pick your partners carefully ok. Be happy.

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  3. murrsma says:

    I applaud your courage, strength and resolve and wish you well as you journey forward while peeling away layers of the past

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  4. T says:

    A few years ago I went to a counselor though she was nice i could never tell my secrets to her or anyone else, I held things from my past inside too never letting them out. Nothing as severe as what you have been writing about but to me it was bad. Most of my grown up life I suffered from social anxiety never realizing that it was brought on by things in my past. One day the counselor asked if she could read me a book.the book was called “You are special” by Max Lucado. I remember I said ok but felt silly as a grown woman being read a children’s book. About halfway through the book I guess i became so engrossed by the story I forgot that i was a grown up and by the time she was to the end of the book I realized I had tears streaming down my face… that was the day I broke down and we were able to finally get to all the stuff I lived through as a child. I started telling her my story after that and also I told people in my life. The more I told the stories of my life that is when I began to heal. You wrote that you are no longer afraid I know what you mean by that and I get the box at the bottom of the sea. I also know God will guide you. I also think your story will help others. He is using you in a big way right now. Stay strong in him, you left this on my blog now I will leave it here….Jeremiah 29:11 for I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. May God bless you Beverley,be strong in him he has you.

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    • Beverley says:

      I’ve noticed Terri, since reading your blog, that we are very similar although from different parts of the world. Or maybe it could be because people have faced or are facing similar things. When I started the blog, I didn’t think others were writing about stuff like this. I was a bit reserved, then after posting my first post WordPress showed me a link. I read a few then I saw yours. If I’m honest that stuff you write about, the Fact that bible verses relevant to my life were there, gave me the encouragement to continue. I have written many post in my diary over the years so these are extracts. I understand what you say, I haven’t had counseling as such, as I found the memories so painful. Especially loosing my father that my tears were torrential. So instead I imagined the box literally under the the sea. (Different post) I have never told anyone else until now. But to be honest, I feel like I’m guided I don’t know how it will go in the end, if there is an end. But I truly believe the Holy Spirit is guiding me healing me, helping me. Forcing me to publish. I don’t know why but we will see….Isn’t our God amazing. He has a plan for all of us. I know this now although it took many years to realise. Thank you Terri for reading. Xxx

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