On the other side of fear..

I had been living with mummy now for a few months, I visited the hotel daily  to keep the room and to sign the register. The lady in the hotel didn’t mind as she was still getting paid.   D stayed most time with his family.  Life was good.  I didn’t remember him most of the time, when he wasn’t there but he visited often.

In a funny sort of way and unknown to mummy, she was helping to keep him  at a distant.  I decided I wanted to do something with my life.  By now I was in regular contact with my best Friend, I had not found happiness yet but I was becoming independent.  We were spending many quality time together, now and she was showing me that there was another part to life…

I eventually went to the job centre and they found me a job, filing papers with the local council. I loved getting up in the morning and going to work. Mummy had the children during the day and life was moving on.  The relationship was very strained but I thought it was a step in the right direction.  I was no longer getting beatings from her but she was still very much the sergeant major that I knew. I was still very much nervous around her.

My fear for mummy was subsiding, as she was different with the girls, although very strict I had never seen her smack them. I noted she was particular kind to the second daughter. ( whom was still a cry baby).

There was a difference with how she treated the baby, I sensed some reservations there, but I believe it was because of how D, treated his daughter, I’m sure mummy sensed  that too.

I didn’t have much money or clothes and only one pair of shoes.  One day on my way to work with my only shoes the heel fell off.  I couldn’t get to work.  I called the workplace to tell them I couldn’t come to work.  I didn’t tel them why until they threatened me that I had to leave. My new word was “rejection

“I have no shoes”, I said.

They still didn’t believe me, I could hear them sniggering in the background. I was told not to return.

I managed to get another part time job in another office with the council, jobs were easier to find then. I was able to buy little things I needed.  I recall going to the hairdresser for the first time.  I had a curly perm that was the in thing then.  When D saw me he said, “you look ugly, “what did you do”. My confidence was knocked and I hated my new hairstyle.

D, didn’t realise that I was seemingly becoming stronger mentally.

Around the same time my best Friend and her sister and myself  started Kungfu, a form of martial arts  I loved doing it, I also wanted to be able to defend myself. My best Freind and I would go to get our hair done, and try on clothes.  I was being a kid for the first time since leaving home.  I was finally “laughing”.  Mummy didn’t mind me going to Kung fu in the evenings because it was with my Friend and she didn’t mind her.

She would often say,  ” look how you make your Friend look better than you” , “don’t you feel shame”,  constant criticisms. They went on and on.  “you are a old woman now” , “look after you man”, “make his food”, “put it on a tray”, do this do that.  but I loved my friend so it didn’t really matter what she said. What I didn’t like is her putting D on a pedestal.

She was doing this in front of him, which now gave him the impression that I was nothing so therefore he now  had permission to beat me.

Despite this stress at mummy’s home, She would keep the girls in the day; she seemed to have changed a little.  She never once mentioned the abuse or me leaving home, and neither did I.  At this time, I  had reverted back to my child hood, because I just couldn’t call her mummy.  It was for me a hard thing to do.  I have no explanation for this. I reckon it was because she still criticised me and made me feel worthless, but I was enjoying life too much to care. Me and my Friend would go training most evenings; those were good moments as I could relive some of the unknown childhood I didn’t have and create memories. The only problem, I was no longer a child.

I liked the idea of working.. All the vocabulary I had taught myself over the years, were becoming beneficial, I then went back to the job centre who sent me on a course to do typing and general office duties.

D, was still in the picture, but he was a bother,  “Jealousy”  he had developed an extreme jealousy.  This was my new word and I would make all the excuses why I wasn’t at home.  He still hung around though, I don’t think I was using him, as I was still too naive and immature to know what I was doing.  I always felt that I was mentally stuck at age 14, still incapable of  rational reasoning.

I landed my first  real job in 1983, I was 20 years old.  I was   working as a computer assistant at a wholesalers.  I got along with everyone, they called me smiler, 🙂   At the end of the month I  received my first wages (salary);  it was over £500 pounds, and it was too much for me to handle.  This was how I felt when I was younger.  I went on a spending spree.  I brought my children all the clothes they needed, there was an Asda supermarket beside my workplace,  I recall I brought £180pound worth of food shopping and left it with mummy.  I recall being so proud as I  came out the lift with all the bags.  This would be around £500 pounds worth now. That day I decided I wanted to drive.

I gave  mummy money for keeping the children.  My independence had kicked in big time.

I had started to dress nicely and I was beginning to wear make up.  Although looking back,I shudder to think how I looked.  The term Aunt Sally springs to mind… :/

One day my place of work had a promotion, we were to promote grey and pink shelf brackets.  I went to shop and brought myself a grey long pleated skirt, a baby pink shirt  and matching baby pink tights,  I knew I looked like a million dollars.

My managers were pleased to say the least.  So was I. I had a very good day at work, it was a male dominated workplace.  Whilst in the office were four girls.

On my way home that evening, I was walking through the alley when a man approached me………






This entry was posted in Experience, Memories. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to On the other side of fear..

  1. Andy Oldham says:

    I love the way your post ends and leaves me hanging, wanting more. Great writing Beverly!


    • Beverley says:

      Thank you Andy, I appreciate this more than you know, I’m trying to capture the readers imagination of how I was feeling at the time, not deliberate, but I’m glad you like that.


  2. barney says:

    You’re posts are really interesting i like that you mention your new understandings of vocabulary. when you learn about a new word and how it benefited you during the time of each experience. Its nice to know that as you studied what each word meant you got through life with a basic understanding, finding jobs etc. 🙂 x


  3. I can’t wait for the next post!


  4. maeiiri says:

    Wow! This is my favorite post so far, you go girl!!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. T says:

    I was so happy to see things looking up…now I am worried about the man in the ally!


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