I had been living with mummy now for a few months, I visited the hotel daily to keep the room and to sign the register. The lady in the hotel didn’t mind as she was still getting paid. D stayed most time with his family. Life was good. I didn’t remember him most of the time, when he wasn’t there but he visited often.
In a funny sort of way and unknown to mummy, she was helping to keep him at a distant. I decided I wanted to do something with my life. By now I was in regular contact with my best Friend, I had not found happiness yet but I was becoming independent. We were spending many quality time together, now and she was showing me that there was another part to life…
I eventually went to the job centre and they found me a job, filing papers with the local council. I loved getting up in the morning and going to work. Mummy had the children during the day and life was moving on. The relationship was very strained but I thought it was a step in the right direction. I was no longer getting beatings from her but she was still very much the sergeant major that I knew. I was still very much nervous around her.
My fear for mummy was subsiding, as she was different with the girls, although very strict I had never seen her smack them. I noted she was particular kind to the second daughter. ( whom was still a cry baby).
There was a difference with how she treated the baby, I sensed some reservations there, but I believe it was because of how D, treated his daughter, I’m sure mummy sensed that too.
I didn’t have much money or clothes and only one pair of shoes. One day on my way to work with my only shoes the heel fell off. I couldn’t get to work. I called the workplace to tell them I couldn’t come to work. I didn’t tel them why until they threatened me that I had to leave. My new word was “rejection”
“I have no shoes”, I said.
They still didn’t believe me, I could hear them sniggering in the background. I was told not to return.
I managed to get another part time job in another office with the council, jobs were easier to find then. I was able to buy little things I needed. I recall going to the hairdresser for the first time. I had a curly perm that was the in thing then. When D saw me he said, “you look ugly, “what did you do”. My confidence was knocked and I hated my new hairstyle.
D, didn’t realise that I was seemingly becoming stronger mentally.
Around the same time my best Friend and her sister and myself started Kungfu, a form of martial arts I loved doing it, I also wanted to be able to defend myself. My best Freind and I would go to get our hair done, and try on clothes. I was being a kid for the first time since leaving home. I was finally “laughing”. Mummy didn’t mind me going to Kung fu in the evenings because it was with my Friend and she didn’t mind her.
She would often say, ” look how you make your Friend look better than you” , “don’t you feel shame”, constant criticisms. They went on and on. “you are a old woman now” , “look after you man”, “make his food”, “put it on a tray”, do this do that. but I loved my friend so it didn’t really matter what she said. What I didn’t like is her putting D on a pedestal.
She was doing this in front of him, which now gave him the impression that I was nothing so therefore he now had permission to beat me.
Despite this stress at mummy’s home, She would keep the girls in the day; she seemed to have changed a little. She never once mentioned the abuse or me leaving home, and neither did I. At this time, I had reverted back to my child hood, because I just couldn’t call her mummy. It was for me a hard thing to do. I have no explanation for this. I reckon it was because she still criticised me and made me feel worthless, but I was enjoying life too much to care. Me and my Friend would go training most evenings; those were good moments as I could relive some of the unknown childhood I didn’t have and create memories. The only problem, I was no longer a child.
I liked the idea of working.. All the vocabulary I had taught myself over the years, were becoming beneficial, I then went back to the job centre who sent me on a course to do typing and general office duties.
D, was still in the picture, but he was a bother, “Jealousy” he had developed an extreme jealousy. This was my new word and I would make all the excuses why I wasn’t at home. He still hung around though, I don’t think I was using him, as I was still too naive and immature to know what I was doing. I always felt that I was mentally stuck at age 14, still incapable of rational reasoning.
I landed my first real job in 1983, I was 20 years old. I was working as a computer assistant at a wholesalers. I got along with everyone, they called me smiler, 🙂 At the end of the month I received my first wages (salary); it was over £500 pounds, and it was too much for me to handle. This was how I felt when I was younger. I went on a spending spree. I brought my children all the clothes they needed, there was an Asda supermarket beside my workplace, I recall I brought £180pound worth of food shopping and left it with mummy. I recall being so proud as I came out the lift with all the bags. This would be around £500 pounds worth now. That day I decided I wanted to drive.
I gave mummy money for keeping the children. My independence had kicked in big time.
I had started to dress nicely and I was beginning to wear make up. Although looking back,I shudder to think how I looked. The term Aunt Sally springs to mind…
One day my place of work had a promotion, we were to promote grey and pink shelf brackets. I went to shop and brought myself a grey long pleated skirt, a baby pink shirt and matching baby pink tights, I knew I looked like a million dollars.
My managers were pleased to say the least. So was I. I had a very good day at work, it was a male dominated workplace. Whilst in the office were four girls.
On my way home that evening, I was walking through the alley when a man approached me………