It had begun….
New emotions were stirring as..
P… and I walked to the next bus stop. This was so different, just before I got on the bus, he said to me can I take you out tomorrow. I was stunned, ” me!, take me out”. The words swam around on my head.
Negative thoughts came to mind, but were overtaken by positive thoughts, after all ” we worked at the same place, and he couldn’t hide if he tried to hurt me” I thought.
He said we could just go for a walk in the park or to a pub. A pub, never! firstly I had never been in a pub. Secondly I didn’t want to associate myself with another drinker.
I guess he noticed my expression, when he said. “I don’t drink either”, “but I thought that was what you young girls liked to do”. “Im a good girl”, I said.
I however, agreed that I would go out with him.
My bus arrived and I hopped on, to go home, I watched until his shadow was in the distant. When I walked home that evening from the bus stop, although I was a bit apprehensive, I had a spring in my steps and a smile on my face.
Somehow I trusted P.
The next day was Saturday, and it couldn’t come quick enough. I told mummy I was going to KungFu, with my friend that evening, I stayed at home all day with my girls. I was constantly watching the clock, like an excited child. Me and my girls stayed in the room and we did colouring. Admittedly, I couldn’t wait to leave, my children had all they required. I had found a new meaning to independence and I had my own money.
That evening I recalled, I stuffed a pair of jeans and a blouse in a bag and stuffed it down the rubbish shoot. I felt excited, I was on a secret mission.
I met P at the train station as I didn’t want him to pick me up, we went to tiny cafe in the west end around 5miles from mummy’s. I had never been to the West End, but I didn’t want P. To know this. I was amazed at the amount if shops and the lights and the people. I had been in England now over twelve years yet I had never seen the West End.
This was what the other girls were talking about at work.
We went in and out of shops observing the items, and trying some on, p…was definitely fun to be with. There was nice Cafe on the corner and We went inside. It was only a cafe, but I was treated like a lady. He paid for the lunch too, “this is a crazy dream” I thought.
That was the first day I tasted knickerbocker glory, I loved it, and he ordered me three glasses. It was only coke with ice cream floating at the top, but I felt like a superstar sipping from the straw. This was a new thing for me, and all this did was feed my thirst for more out of my life. There was something different about P. He taught me how to laugh. That’s all we ever did, he was a particular funny guy.
This was my secret, I was beginning to live a double life. I knew nothing could come out of the so called relationship. Because I was lying all the way, he knew nothing about me, he didn’t know I had children or that if D knew about him, we could possibly die. Worse, I felt like I was damage goods, I had many regrets.
My double life consisted of many roles. In the day I was the good office girl getting praises from my boss and quickly moving up the ladder, in the evening I was the 20year old common law wife, and mother to three babies, homeless, living under my mummy’s roof. I was taking instructions from my mummy, reprimanded for the simplest things. I was a sexual partner and I had to remember to perform my duties well. Tired or not.
The other times, I was stealing time to be with P… In a world filled with laughter. My life was a stage, and I was the actress in the play, I tried to play all roles equally well. I was exhausted mentally, although I was having fun, I was still deeply unhappy.
My mask was now a permanent fixture in my world, and it served me well.
I decided to keep up the affair, because, it would be added to my box of happy memories. So far, the only other happy memories, that I had was that with my best friend and my girls. I decided to treasured every moment with P. as though they would be my last. I knew that someday whatever happened. I would remember.
I started to compared them with each other. D. who had never owned an after shave, to P. who was always so clean. My eyes were open to all Ds Faults, and there were many.
P.. worked as the company delivery driver and I worked in the office, so we use to send little notes to each other. One day he said he was travelling out of London with a large assignment and he wanted me to come. I would be on the truck, I had never been in truck, I was keen, but what would I tell my boss. I told them I was sick.
Off we went.
I had a fun time, just driving around in the truck, Sadly someone saw me in the truck and told the managers. I almost lost my job, but I denied it totally.
It definitely wasn’t me. I was becoming a rebel.
We decided to be careful after that. It was three months later. That P. tried anything with me! and although I hated every moment of intimacy. It wasn’t his fault. P. was a gentleman, deep, down I was sad. I never wanted to spend my life like this, I knew that, but I was damaged, mentally and physically. P.. Never knew this because I was good at pretending. After all, I had pretending since ….. (Laundry trolley post).
My whole life so far had been a lie.
P, remained the same. Until…
One day, few months later, he took me out, we were at a dance, at a fairly posh nightclub. I didn’t want to go because, I had never been to one, I couldn’t dance, and I worried about looking silly; but I wanted to be with him. We were standing up watching the group perform, after they had finished everyone clapped, I didn’t like where I was as I felt uncomfortable. I was not use to this environment. There were far too many men. The dance scene was definitely not my thing. The close space, the amount of people. I wanted out..
Then the commentator DJ said “this prize is for the best dressed ladies….
“You can win, P.. said. He laughed, the way he laughed told me, and looking at my clothes, I knew I looked a mess. I could feel my chest getting hot, as I smiled. It suddenly dawned on me, I was dressed like a church girl. Why didn’t he tell me? “Why wait so long”?
From that moment something changed inside. I felt humiliated. My nice P, had made me feel awful. The remainder of the evening was in silence. I wanted to go home, and I told him I was ready. We walked all the way in semi silence, apart from the sound of Ps voice.
But I knew that he would be, most certainly taking me back. I had a plan….
At the end of the month, I asked him to take me back to the club, but this time with the help from my friend. I was the best dressed girl that evening. “What will you say this time” I thought.
I met him at the station, this time his eyes widened. I knew I looked a million pound, I had, with help, fine tuned my outfit. When I walked in the club that night. I made sure that if there was a competition I had the best chance to win….. And the way the guys looked at me when I walked into the club. I knew i had the last laugh.
I still continued to see P… He was never given another opportunity to criticise my dress sense.
It became hard for me to have intimacy with D, as It felt wrong, mind you my loyalty was to P. I made all kind of excuses. By this time D was just the baby’s father. I had become selfish. I would see P after work briefly, and then run home for my motherly duties.
If D, was suspicious he never told me, but I felt like I was the winner in this dangerous game. I guess my secret gave me a shrill. My new word was selfish.
One day I took my new found freedom too far…