Still playing with fire..

If you play with fire, you will get burn,  I had done it again, and this time…..

Proverbs 6:27 New international version bible.

Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned

 I had taken a week off work, so the bruises would heal, I still left home the usual time, but I would stay at the hotel all day  alone, until it was time to go home.

The next few  weeks went in a blur, I hardly saw D, I guess this was a good thing.  Mummy and I lived in silence but my girls were happy, so it didn’t really matter.  I still provided for them financially,  and D always made sure they had food. I was still unhappy but it was life I guess. I thought about P often, but I didn’t miss him. I wasn’t sure why.

I went back to work after a week, as I approached the building, I saw P loading the truck.  P  ran over to me and said. “Girl what happened? I thought you left, “mummy was sick, I lied.  “You had time to change your hair though”, he said, I couldn’t tell him”  it was because I had paint thrown at me. I “missed you though, He said. “Thanks”, I hugged him discreetly and went to my office.

“Really, that’s nice,  I thought, whilst at the same time thinking, ” how could someone miss me,?  his words stayed with me through the day.  “Was that even possible, miss me!?, I refused to believe that. Instead I thought of myself as a friend with benefits.

” Could I  mean something to someone”.  I know I  meant something to my father, I knew that , but he was long gone.  I decided to ignore those words.

Me and P, continued to see each other but it wasn’t the same, I remembered the beatings  from D and I was afraid.  It felt like D was the master and I was his slave, even though I hardly saw him I sure remembered, and I felt insecure.

Despite my insecurity, I still liked P.  One evening on my way out the building P, ran up to me and said.  “Why  you so distant”?, “you don’t go to lunch with me anymore, you don’t send any little notes anymore”. “I was watching as you left, Girl you never looked back to see if I was coming”.

  “It’s nothing “I replied.

I found some lame excuse and told him that  Steve who was our boss, had been putting me under a lot of pressure.  It was slightly true but that wasn’t all, was it?

“Girl, I lyyke  you you Na”. The Barbadian drawl had got me again.  “Me too”, I said as I hugged him.   Liked was the key word.  I was unloveable, I could not love, I could not give love, and therefore I did not expect love from anyone in return.  I was damaged mentally, but I didn’t know that. Not yet anyway.

A few weeks later, I was given a temporary accommodation, because the council had said the hotel accommodation was too costly, and therefore I would be staying in this house for a short period. They had no idea where my permanent property would be.  I didn’t want to uproot  my girls, and move them ten miles, as it was uncertain, where our permanent property would be. 

So I decided that we would stay with mummy, just as we were doing before.  

I went to the new accommodation  to sign up the tenancy and arrange for utilities, but  still stayed with mummy. Things had slightly settled and D would turn up, staking his claim and demands for sex.  I was still his property after all and refusing his demands always caused problems for me.  I often remembered the D that I had met as a teenager.  I was so disappointed.

At work,  I was still seeing P.. But less from the last violence with D, the excitement had fizzled out, it had been  knocked right out of me.  I still played my role well enough that  P wasn’t aware of this.

There was something puzzling me, it was the way mummy would watch me, when I was with my girls.   I was beginning to feel uncomfortable, it was quite spooky how she would just stare, or if I turned around our eyes would meet. Something  wasn’t quite right but I couldn’t put a finger on it. Was she jealous? Or was it my mind playing tricks?

I was staying at the property so that the gas and electricity could be switched over.  D was staying with his family regular now,  and he only visited to see the girls, well that suited me fine as after all the years of abuse I needed a break.  He wasn’t as violent as before but he was still drinking heavily, and had put on a lot of weight.  He didn’t  know how to have fun, very serious, hardly smiled.  D’s type of fun was staying inside listening to reggae and Bob Marley music.  He made me hate reggae and I absolutely hated the life I was living, D continued to be a good father to all the girls.

 I guess P… was different but it was just an affair.  I knew that.

Well one day I decided to invite P.. , to the new accommodation , as by now he wanted to know where I lived.  I didn’t know what to do,  D wasn’t   going to come to the property that was easy enough. In any case, I was the only one with the keys.

Yes,  crazy me I did it again,  it looks like I never learnt! all the beatings obviously had turned me stupid.

I actually allowed P,   Yes, I actual allowed P…to  stay the night, it was nice to be with someone else other than D, I shudder when I recall this moment.  After all these years, I can feel my breathing getting faster, as I recollect the events of that morning.

It was around 5.30am in the morning I was still in my nightdress, and P had gone downstairs to get himself a drink.

Low and behold, P was wearing only his boxer shorts.

I  was sitting on the bed, when  I heard noises.  I listened intently. But who was P, talking to?  I jumped off the bed and stood rigid to the spot.  “It can’t be can it?”. It was another man, maybe it was the neighbours, but something inside me said.  “Run

I literally flew out of the room with my shoes and clothes, in time to see P, walking back up the stairs with  D closely behind him.  P, was unusually calm, “someone is here to see you”, he said. Unbeknown to me D had cut a key.

 D had blood in his eyes. P, glanced at me and calmly went in the bedroom to gather his clothes.   This was across from the toilet door, where I was standing.  I could see. D.  behind him, but he obviously  didn’t know what Ps mentality was, and because P was unusually calm, I guess D  didn’t approach him.

My heart told me there would be a murder in that house.

I  held my shoes and clothes tightly and managed to dive toward the toilet door, it was jammed, with such desperate force, I used my body to slam the door open, just in time,  D was already at the top of the stairs. But with such timed precision, Ds feet was slightly wedged in the toilet door.

 I’m convinced yet again, (like the wardrobe in previous post)  that someone shifted that door. God, it could only be you, looking back at the amount of time I nearly  died by beatings, I now know God had a plan for my life.


 I ran to the window, like a frightened animal, and tried to climb out of the window,  terror had set in. It was virtually  impossible for a dog to get through that window, let alone a human being.  The window was tiny. .


SLAM!  I stood silently and listened. Someone had left the house.  My heart wanted it to be D.  So I waited…

Crash!, bang! thud!  I could hear movements downstairs, what is he looking for? I thought.

 It dawned on me that it was P, that had left.  P, was a naturally calm guy.

I knew it was my fault.  But I was alone once more. Many thoughts raced through my mind,  P, didn’t like me enough to stay and protect me. He didn’t even try.  I get it, he was upset. But to just leave!

“P.. had really  gone”. I thought. My heart was heavy, I had made a terrible mistake.  But hold on! wake up!, I thought.  D had no rights, you weren’t really together, but I was just trying to justify my actions.  The battle was just in my mind as  I sat quietly on the toilet floor.

“Get up and get dressed“, it was as if someone was talking to me.  “Put your clothes on”.  I definitely heard a voice, or was it me being stupid. In fact was I going mad?. “Get up” the voice said again.  Maybe it was my conscience, but I   quickly, dressed myself and waited.

I was still sadden, that  P,  was caught up in this,  I felt weak, and  petrified that D  would kick the toilet door down, one way or the other I needed to get out.  I could remember trying again, to make my self small to climb out of the extremely tiny window, which was totally illogical.  All the time I heard D, banging on the toilet door.  I did not say a word, to fuel his anger. He wanted to get me desperately. I could see the paint flaking as he forced the door, this was a solid door, luckily it wasn’t budging.

D was a big guy, I thought he would find a way to kick the door down.

“You have  to come out soon”, he shouted. I did not reply, I felt doomed, I was shaking my fingers in the air, as if I was shining an invisible window. My Freind Anxiety, well she was right in there with me. I felt the saliva rise to my throat and I threw up.  I was in the best place. I could go toilet at any time, and I did.

“Please God,  Please God, Please God…. I repeated the words so many times,  I lost count. It’s funny how we all call on God when we are in trouble,  subconsciously, I guess we all know he exist.

Well God didn’t hear me. I now  know why, the bible says God does not answer prayers from sinners. image

I  knew that  day  that I would never ever do something like this again, I was scared I would lose my children, D, sounded like a mad man, I heard fumbling in the kitchen, then footsteps as D, ran back up the stairs, I thought he had a knife and I knew I would never come out of that toilet, I was still asking God to help me through.

I  waited patiently, when I heard him go back down the stairs and into the kitchen, I opened the door and peeped, I think he was in the garden, . I opened the door and jumped downstairs , I don’t know why I didn’t break my leg,  I heard him  slam the kitchen door and came after me, but it must have been adrenaline because that day I was Wonder Woman.image

I knew 100% he would never catch me.

I ran across the road,  and down the other road, not looking where I was going, I could see D gaining ground then he stopped.  I never looked back.  It was now 6am, in the morning.  The neighbours  were sleeping I was running and banging on all the doors frantically because I knew I was going to, be a dead girl.  No one let me in.  I ran down the street and hid against a wall, but I recall there was a spider.  Even though my life was on the balance, my fear for spiders was still very much present. I ran across the street and hid behind a dustbin instead.

I  walked on the other side of the street ducking and diving, until I had a good view of the house. I needed to see when D left. I could see the house from where I was, and I waited until the car,  the blue cortina, was gone. By now it was 8am, I had been hiding two hours.

I then walked slowly back to the house,

But as I reached the top of the road,  I saw him…

It was P, sitting on a bench, he had his shoulder down, why was he still here,  I knew that would be the last time I would be seeing  him, like that again. 😦

“what’s going on”  he said?

I’m  sorry was my reply…

“Don’t worry” he said.  I felt so dirty and ashamed.

I went back to the house, and sat in the toilet, it was the only safe place should D return, but he didn’t.  I slept in the toilet that night.

Soon after, I found out I was pregnant, just to add to my problems.

Unfortunately, I had a termination.  I had no idea whose it was, I didn’t tell anyone.

I preferred it that way. But god knew!


Thank you God for forgiving me…..

I settled back into my old life, without P.  Funnily enough, although I missed P.  I was glad that I was no longer living a double life.  We had been seeing each other six months. I had done it again and this time…it was over.

This entry was posted in Experience, Memories. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Still playing with fire..

  1. maeiiri says:

    My heart jumped when D suddenly came there! Its good you hid in the bathroom. I can not believe P did not call the police though.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. T says:

    I was hoping so much that P was going to come in and save you and I am so sorry he didn’t. I know that it had to be hard to share on here about the baby too. God loves you so much Beverley, he loved you then and he loves you now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beverley says:

      Thank you Terri, all the stuff I have written have never come out, been buried too long, yes that was hard, especially being a christian now, I know now it was wrong. But we make mistakes, repenting from your sins is the only way. As I journey through it gets harder, hence why I think my testimony is needed. It’s becoming harder now to write, but I will keep going Gods willing. I’m trying to step out in faith as my pastor said.


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