One word..Why?


One word Why?  I thought..

One   Saturday morning I received a letter in the post. It was two months since I was given this temporary  accommodation and two months since the incident in the home.

I received a letter to inform me that I was offered a permanent accommodation.  My third transfer. Finally me and my girls would be settled as a family.  I was excited it was a three bedroom my eldest daughter would have her own room and the two girls could share, they could go school together,  I was excited.  It was over a year that  I was technically homeless, well living in temporary accommodation.

 I went straight to mummy the Sunday to tell her I would be taking the girls on the Tuesday, two days after, as I wanted them to be totally involved.  I also told her I would spend the next day Monday preparing the house, connecting  the electricity and all the necessities. Mummy had that look again, she just listened.  Finally, I can get away. I thought.

Mummy didn’t really speak, the remainder of the time, but she heard me. I assumed everything was ok.  I grabbed my eldest girl she was getting bigger, but loved her cuddles. I told her we had a garden She was excited she was asking me how her room would be, she loved rainbow bright  and wanted rainbow brite wallpaper.



I went to the shop and bought  the rainbow brite wallpaper the next day.  The next day I was back down again to see my girls, and everything seemed ok, mummy gave me a bag with mangoes, for  D.   I took it home.

I woke up early that morning as I was expecting a delivery, the postman came and I noticed there was a large brown envelope on the floor.  I opened it,

It read court order….

I was confused. Then I saw my two eldest children’s name, I was trembling like a leaf as I read the order.

I saw mummy’s name.

My  knees shook and I fell to the floor.

I sat on the floor as my eyes quickly scanned the court papers.

My breathing had change, I was having a panic attack, this was definitely not anxiety.  I felt as if the room was closing in on me. I was alone.  I struggled to breathe.  I crawled on my hands and knees to the kitchen crying whilst trying to catch my breath.

I needed fresh air. I could feel my chest getting tighter as I tried to control my breathing.

As I scrambled from the floor to get to the sink, my legs couldn’t stop trembling.  This day is permanently etched in my mind. I looked around the room, I was almost certain I saw mummy standing at the door,  but I was hallucinating.  I felt my skin becoming clammy, sweat was on the top of my lips.  I put my face under the tap, and allowed the water to cool me down.

Then I ran back to the living room  dripping wet to where the letter  laid.  I read it again.

I felt to the floor in a sea of tears.

My own mummy had taken me to court behind my  back,  but when?  and why?  she had lied under oath, as a practising christian. She told the courts that she did not know my whereabouts.  She lied that she had been looking after the children for three months, I had totally disappeared. Lies, lies lies.

I only saw mummy yesterday, I had never been away from my children.  They saw me every single day.  My thought went to my eldest daughter, I was so scared for her. She was my baby, now mummy had custody, mummy was in control, my baby, my little girl would be abused.

My children were made a ward of court? without my knowledge.  Why? The words on the letter, bombarded my mind.

I  read it again… It specifically said that I was not allowed to remove them from her care.  If I broke the order, I would be liable for prison.  My children, I gave birth to them.  How can she just take them. I didn’t understand.

That day I laid on the floor and cried until I fell asleep, I don’t know long but I woke up with a headache.

I called mummy, and asked her why?


This was mummy’s exact words, that have lived with me until today.

So  this was revenge. Why did my mummy hate me? what did I do?, after all I was a very young child when I arrived in England? Why?

Well on that day the feelings were mutual, I had learnt my most heartfelt word.  Rage. I knew from that moment mummy would be dead to me, I despised every bone in her body.

I knew that I would die fighting for my baby’s, I knew if I couldn’t get them no one else would.

I had become the raging  lioness and I was coming for my cubs.image

I was terrified my daughter would be abused.  I knew if she hurt her I would kill her.   I was prepared to commit murder for my girls.

I called my best friend, she was ballistic, but supportive as usual, she listened while I cried.

Ironically although me and D, were still on bad terms.  I called him  too,  Guess what? he was supportive no questions asked, he decided to fight with me, to get back my girls.

After that phone call, I knew that despite all the violence.  I needed to stand in unity for my girls, nothing else mattered in my life. I also learnt that the D, I knew as a teenager was in their somewhere.

Wrong move mummy wrong move!







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