My little girl had complained… I had seen the bruise….
I marched to mummy’s house…
“If you put your hand on my child the way you put your hand on me again; “I will ….. I will…..and ….I don’t care if I go to prison do you hear me?”
The last part was said in my mind. The words could not come out, they stuck to my throat like a wet leaf. Mummy stood very still and looked at me, as if to say “go on then…”. I was still sacred of mummy, I do believe mummy suspected what I wanted to say. I then kissed my babies and walked out the door. I sat on the stairs outside the property and C…., I’m sure you can finish this off, I was made with a lot of tears. I had let my girls down.
I feared for my babies, “suppose she kills them to spite me”, it was only natural for me to think like that. I tried to remove the thoughts as quickly as they came.
The visiting rights continued, in the meantime the solicitor left and I was given another I had three different solicitors due to them leaving often, the case could not get to court. The battle to see my children continued, mummy would make sure she was not at home whenever it was my turn to take them. In saying this, most times she was at home, playing mind games. She thought I would get fed up but I kept coming, and each time I came I would call and make sure my girls knew I came. After two years of not seeing my children, and the mess of the solicitors moving on, this was beyond my control. We eventually went to court.
But hear this…..
The judge said to me in his summing up, because the children were now settled with their grandmother who could provide them with stability, they should remain. He said uprooting my girls would cause instability. As the judge continued speaking, I looked at him with tears in my eyes. “If only you knew the truth” I thought. “That’s not my fault”, I shouted.
“Order in the court”, the judge said. The judge had also warned me not to attend her home and create tension or I would lose my children permanently. I never went there to cause problems, I just wanted to see my girls.
As the solicitor repeated the order, I snapped “This is all lies”, I fell to the floor in the court and cried my eyes out, I screamed at the judge, “she’s lying”, “she’s lying”. But by now the judge got up and walked back into his chambers; Taking my hopes with him.
Once again I felt hate overwhelmed me. The solicitor put her hand on my shoulder, and we walked out the room. “Why?” was all I could ask.
My girls were in court that day, but we sat apart. My heart ached so much, I actually felt wounded. It would have been better if mummy had killed me at birth. As we left the court..
Mummy looked at me and smile.
I held my head high, and refused to look at my girls…
I had to make the long walk alone to the station. When I arrived at the train station. I heard the pre-recorded message, it said MIND THE GAP, MIND THE GAP. I thought about it for a while.
Mind the gap, yes that’s what I will do, mummy will never get my children, I will be tying up all loose ends and, “Yes, I will mind the gap”, I thought.
When I reached home, I sat on the bed and as usual I cried myself to sleep, the emptiness for my babies, in particular my eldest daughter created a deep hollow in my stomach,
It was like labour pains all over again..
But I knew the fight would continue until my babies were home with me..
The next morning, I decided to try a different tactic…