This has got to be a nightmare!

imageI woke up the next day with a raging headache,  all I could think of was the officers last words.

Could things get any worse., they were going to search for E.r.i.c!.  My goodness it had been a long time since I saw him.  My life was totally in turmoil, Eric was already angry that I had left, the last time I saw him was in the hospital, when he turned up. In addition, my mummy hated me, and no one could tell me differently.

 I couldn’t tell D what the officer said,   he would be jealous,  I was in deep trouble. I had left a violent relationship, the courts had not even considered that, they were going to find Eric,  I said the words over and over as if, I said it enough times, I would wake up. From this awful nightmare.

I tried to carry on as normal, but definitely not caring for myself, I was hardly eating, my hair had fallen out,  and I was not taking my birth control,  I couldn’t even remember I had them, there was pressing problems ahead.  “What if Eric found out where I lived? suppose him and  D had a fight?  suppose Eric sided with mummy? I was frantic.

This has got to be a nightmare, I thought. 

The  weeks passed, still no word about the officers visit to Eric, or the final report.  I was terrified.  I told the solicitors my fear, but she told me not to worry too much, “how could she say this?,  I decided I was going to kidnap my girls and run away,  that’s it, that’s what I will do.

I started planning.  I didn’t know where to go, or who to run to.  I decided I would leave the country,  but how? I didn’t have passports and I didn’t even know how to obtain a passport, it was a stupid idea, I would lose everything, besides I had nowhere to hide.

I thought of my father, many questions but no answers,  I hadn’t written to him for a long time, I was angry with him, he never came back for me, it was his fault, he never protected me, he must have known what mummy was like, why did he send me to England?  Although I still had the void for my father, it was more a longing for the life I knew.  I was older now, it was now well over twenty years that I last saw him.   That bond was destroyed, mummy had taken care of that.

Whilst thinking about my father, it dawned on me he must have done something to mummy, otherwise why would someone just abuse  a young child for no reason, what could I have possibly done?. The bond with my father had broken over time, especially as I couldn’t even remember what he looked like.  Nevertheless, there and then  I decided to write.

My  dear father,  I miss you so much, I don’t know if you remember me, but I hate England.  I have three children now, but two do not live with me, mummy, had ….. I couldn’t write it…I didn’t want him to worry.

I screwed up the letter and threw it across the room

I  started again

My dear father, I miss you more than you know, I hope when these few lines reach you it will find you in the best of health,  how is mama g, does  she think of me, I long to see you.  

I noticed I always thought of my father when I was sad….

I didn’t post the letter, that day, because I couldn’t be bothered after all what was the point.  He couldn’t save me. But the next day, I finished it off and sent it.

It took three months, for the welfare report to come back as well as the report from social service.   I ripped it open and turn the pages to the bottom to see the conclusion.

“Having spoken to all the parties concerned,  I recommend that the girls should continue to reside with their grandmother….where they were provided with  a stable environment”…

No! No! No!.   It can’t be,  D wasn’t at home, so I  called my Friend, crying of course, I told her what was in the report. She was as surprised as I was. She was also very upset.   I then went to the bathroom and vomited, I cried until there was no more tears left. I went to the bedroom and fell asleep.  When I woke up it was late afternoon, my head was hurting and my eyes were swollen.  I took up the report again and this time I read it slowly.

I recall the letter said ALL parties.   That meant  Eric had contributed, they had found him.  ” I knew it, I knew he would side with her”.

I quickly scanned the report for his contribution.  BUT….

As I came to his name, it  read… Eric did not want his children living with their grandmother, he recommended that they should be with me.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Eric whom had been violent to me, had actually recommended that I should have my girls. After reading that I found a little  strength  to go on.

I called the solicitor,  “I am so sorry” she said, “but I can see that the report is biased”,   I will be looking to have her reprimanded and removed, as  she had not taken into consideration the wishes of either yourself or the children’s father.  The solicitor also noted that “the children had expressed a wish to go home to their mother “  the report was damming against me. It was clearly in favor of mummy.  The solicitor said she would get on the case immediately.

After coming off the phone I called the welfare officer.  When she answered the phone.  I told her who I was.  I simply said, “why?”  I then told her.  I had cursed every bone in her body, I told her that I will be fighting all the way, and if anything happen to my children I will find her and hold her responsible. She has totally fooled you, I screamed.   because of you my girls will suffer. “Why do you hate me? I broke down on the phone and cried; but I hung up before she could say another word.  As I write this the tears fill my eyes easily it seemed like yesterday.

After composing myself, I continued to read the report, followed by the report from social services, and then my eyes fell on the words that would make me cry all over again.

The report stated….  “When her daughter was born, and soon after birth,  Miss….  , had tried several times unsuccessfully to adopt her. However, the social worker involved at the time, was totally against the idea”.

My goodness!, my hand was trembling,  now this was the biggest shock for me.  My mummy! was fighting for custody of  my firstborn when she was born, unknown to me she could have taken my child.  “What an extremely wicked woman”, I thought.  I was grateful to the social worker who had tried to block all her actions, whom had defended me, without telling me.  He had believed me after all.  I was so grateful that, I was spared the agony of having my new baby  ripped away from me.  These words haunted me for many years, up till the late 90s;  they added to my nightmares of mummy.

I  sat on the chair, my daughter was due to come home from play group, she couldn’t see me like this…..I washed my face and left the house. As I walked the long road to the play group.

I remembered..

I still had duties to perform, I need to be a mother to my daughter, I no longer felt like the babysitter, especially as D was working most days.   I needed to cook, and I need to be prepared for doing his business.

What do I do now?, the welfare report was going to change my life.  I felt a hollow in my chest, and for the first time in six years,  I felt like giving up…..

But tomorrow will be another day….


This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to This has got to be a nightmare!

  1. Andy Oldham says:

    Tears welled up in my eyes too dear B! Wow!


Your time is valued. :)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s