A change of direction


I was shocked to find…..

One week after meeting Jill, I discovered I was expecting my fourth child, this was mixed emotions, I was thinking ahead, I thought if I didn’t get my girls back, then my daughter would have a sibling.  Due to my traumatic childhood, on my own I was determined that none of my children should be alone. This would complete my family.  There would be two children on either side.  D was pleased he was going to be a father again.

I was quite reluctant to tell the solicitor, as I wasn’t sure how the courts would take this, but after speaking to Jill I didn’t  have to worry, she stated the pregnancy would in fact support my case, as it showed I was in a stable family.

My pregnancy went ahead, it was a stressful period, as my girls would not be able to share the experience, mummy was growing them up as fools.  They would come to my home with their shirts buttoned up to the neck, with their hair unkemp.  Worst of all, my eldest daughter had severe execema, and mummy refused to put the right medication on her skin, which was always flaring up.  She preferred to use her own home remedy.  My girls in particular my eldest was not treated as I would have liked but my hands were tied.  I called my solicitor who explained to me that as hard as it seemed, I must try to distance myself from what was going on, otherwise I would have a mental breakdown.

I trusted Jill, and as a result I tried to think of happy things, or talk about happy things when the girls came at weekends.  By now, any emotions towards my mother was gone.  I felt nothing, I was surviving on empty emotions.  I didn’t cry as much, because I needed to remain strong for the battle ahead.

One afternoon Jill called me, she said.  I have some good news, we are no longer dealing with the family courts, but we will be heading to the Royal courts of Justice, this was where all custody battles were held.  It would be one judge in chamber.   I wasn’t sure what my reaction would be, but Jill sounded pleased.  “Thank you very much Jill” was all I could say.

She went on to say, don’t worry, if that doesn’t work out, we are going even higher to the court of appeal., I was glad Jill had taken A keen interest in my case but saddened. Because my girls were getting older, soon they would  have children of their own.  although, I trusted Jill, I was becoming slowly deflated.

I wanted to see the end, if I would get my girls or not, I had made up my mind, that when my baby was born, and if I did not get my girls I would be committing suicide.

I would rather die, and can’t save my girls, than to live a life knowing my choice had been taken away.

I continued working up till I was seven months pregnant, I could have stayed longer but I didn’t like my job, it was great to say goodbye, I knew I was not coming back.

The remainder of the pregnancy went smoothly with the occasional fights with D.  One day, in an argument he said to me. ” I hope that baby turn crossways inside you and kill you”  Without thinking I said to him.

“Why would you say that, your sister is pregnant too, that could happen to her”

Suddenly! D grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head against the bed post. He kept punching me, “don’t you ever say anything about my sisters,  He said.   I learnt that day, that I would never make a comment about anyone in his family.  I never did.

I was so sad I was eight months pregnant, and vulnerable.

I cried, and I cried.

I felt the pain in the pit of my stomach even more that day.  It was not because of the pain in my head, not because I was worried for the baby, or the fact it was his child,  not because I had lost my girls.  But….,

I cried because his sister had someone to defend her,  I cried because he had a sister, had noone. I desperately wanted that love between brothers and sisters.

It is extremely hard to get away from the pain of loneliness  no one in my life ever knew the mental torture I endured, by not having a sibling.  I hated being an only child.  The scars, the longing, the resentment of other siblings, remained for many years.

Ironically, when his sister had her baby guess what SHE nearly died…


A month later, I gave birth to my first Son.  D was at the birth and the experience I had, filled him with regret.  .

I called the solicitor immediately, “Jill, please can you arrange for my girls to come and see me and their new brother immediately, I said……

I thought, my new son would give me status as he was the first grandson born he would carry the name.   Sadly I was wrong.


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One Response to A change of direction

  1. I’m so sorry. My son was the first born grandson too. Trust me, it doesn’t matter to those determined not to care.
    Keep going with your posts. I found writing helped me. It may help you too. x


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