I don’t want to….

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Well, I think God had plans for me, from a long time ago because ironically, the night I went in to labour was the weekend, I had my girls staying over.

I recall me an D, was having another heated conversation, when early hours of the next morning my waters broke.  I woke up my girls and took them to a friend’s house because I didn’t want them to go back to mummy’s. It was nice that they were able to share the experience.

However, my baby was not born until the Monday naturally my children had to go back to the place that was home for them. I recall being very sad, especially as mummy couldn’t even let me have that enjoyment. I also knew how excited they would have been that night.

After my first son was born, I stayed awake , I was happy because it was my first son, I also thought wow! He could protect me when he became a man.  I also stayed awake because I didn’t want to miss my solicitor, I waited so I could call immediately at 0900am. I recall a chinese midwife said to me, you can plug the phone out and bring it to your bed.  That was even better.    Why you waiting by the telephone

That time was very significant to me.  09.00am 29th October 1986. image

After speaking to Jill about my son’s birth, I insisted that, my children be brought to see me.  well good old Jill!  she stated she would be on it right away.  My wish was granted that same evening. I don’t know how she did it, but I recall  sitting on my bed, and I heard my children’s voices.  It was coming from outside.  I thought I was hallucinating but, the voices were becoming closer. I knew it was them straight away.  So I jumped off the bed and went to the window.  My hospital room was on the ground floor, I went to meet them but they were already at the door.  They came in excited to see their new brother.

Looking back I believe God was preparing my journey, because, naturally my children now had something they wanted.  Life with me would appear more appealing.  Mummy was loosing control.

“This is your new brother,  I said”. My eldest was very excited, the youngest was happy too, but still quite reserved.  I recalled mummy stayed outside.  After they left although I was grateful, I still cried as I wanted my children to share the experience. The void was still present.

Ds family arrived one by one, they were all excited and cooing over the baby,  it was particular special because D’s dad had just arrived into the country, and was pleased to see his grandson.  He would carry his name.   I liked Ds dad a lot, he was really kind to me, to the dismay of the others. I was still unimportant, no problem though as I had MY son.

I left hospital  five days later, and went back home to family life without my girls, this was a very painful experience, indeed. My girls would still visit at weekends.  I don’t believe it was possible to have much hate, but I did. I also harbor, anger, and resentment, all these deep emotions were making me very bitter.

About two weeks after the birth, I received a telephone call from Jill, she stated that she  would be having an expedited hearing (speedy) at the high court, because she felt it was about time my girls were returned, things were moving quickly with this solicitor, she definitely meant business.  I welcomed everything Jill  was doing, and sometimes it felt like my case was the only case that she was working on, Jill  made me feel important.

One month after my son’s birth, I received a telephone call from Jill, she  stated that she would be requesting another welfare  report, because she had scrutinized the report and concluded it was bias.  She also stated that a review of the case would be taken and the welfare officer would need to attend court to show why in her opinion she felt that the girls should not be returned to me.  She stated that, the welfare officer did not consider the age differences between the children and the grandmother. I certainly welcome the idea, but was afraid to raise my hopes.

Another month passed and a date was set for the hearing. Jill was also successful in her request for another independent report.    Although this would delay the case, I trusted Jill.  I was told that I was not to put words in my children’s mouth, but I didn’t care, after all, someone had to help them. “This would be my chance”,  I thought.

I mean, “suppose they were scared? “if mummy is present they won’t talk”.  I needed to fix that.

I told Jill under no circumstances should my mummy be present when the children were speaking.  I was getting another chance and I was desperate. I thought if the children wanted to come home to me as bad as I wanted them to.  Then I needed to coax them.

Every week when the children came, me and my friend would drill them, yes I did!  After all, they were mine and I wanted them home.  I was tired of fighting. It had become a ritual, every Saturday they came. I would sit my girls down.

I would ask them…

Do you want to be back at home, with mummy (me) and your sister and  baby brother.  Naturally  they would say yes.  My youngest daughter desperately wanted her sisters back, this situation was affecting us all.  She wanted to show off to her friends and she would tell them she had a twin sister. She really loved her sisters.

This spurred me on, I wanted my girls together.   So I went on, and on and once I saw they had my attention.   I went for kill, and I would say……

“Remember,   If anyone say do you want to stay with granny?  you must say, you don’t want to”

I repeated…

“I -I-I- don’t want to”,  Anytime anyone asks  you that question you MUST say,   “I don’t want to”.

“Do you understand”, I would say,  then we would have some fun times, just to add to my plan.

As they left the house that Sunday, I said  to my girls, ” if anyone ask if you want to live with granny, what must you say?

“I DONT WANT TO”. they both replied.

So off they went, I smiled to myself.  “that’s my girls,” I thought.

The date arrived and the meeting went as planned, the welfare officer spoke to everyone separately including my girls. My solicitor informed me it would take another 28 days  for the final report.

I waited eagerly.

I received the report as stated, 28 days later.  I quickly tore open the large white envelope and read the conclusion.

I scrolled down to the last paragraph.

I looked at my youngest daughters reply to the question.

Do you want to live with your mummy? Meaning me…

“I DONT WANT TO”  was the reply….

My heart sank.

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One Response to I don’t want to….

  1. Andy Oldham says:

    oh, my Beverly, my heart would sink too!

    Liked by 1 person

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