Innocence

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I stared at the report with disbelief…

my plan had failed, my youngest little girl in response to the question, from the welfare officer had said the wrong thing.

when asked, do you want to live with your mummy.  She replied proudly.  “I DONT WANT TO”.

all my coaxing had not worked, yep, you guessed it,  one, two, three…

I cried…..

Many thoughts went through my mind that day.   “My daughter hates me,  she doesn’t want to be with me,  maybe mummy told her to say that, why did she  say that? how did she say that? ”  I literally felt sick.

I called Jill, I was so emotional, I was tired from the new baby, I was tired from the case, I was back at evening college.  I was just simply, mentally exhausted.  I learnt that day.  That I would never ask anyone to do anything for me again.  My little daughter taught me my new word “trust”   Well if I couldn’t trust my girls, who could I trust?

My solicitor was very sympathetic,  then she asked me.   “why do yo think she said that then?”

“I think mummy convinced her”, I said.

There was no way I could tell the solicitor, that it could be my fault, that I was coaxing her.


The strangest thing occurred that evening.   I. received a telephone call.  When I answered the call it was my eldest girl,  my mummy never would  let them call me, so I was surprised to hear her voice.  My daughters would  always tell me that mummy would tell them  that D was not their father and that they must never call him daddy, that my youngest two children was nothing to do with them.   I found this hard to deal with especially as they were all my children, and I was on the other side trying to bring them closer, after all, if you can recall, (previous post) the only reason I had the children was so they could have the siblings, that I didn’t have.  My mummy was trying to alienate them.  This was causing a big problem for me mentally.

This was because the idea of being alone, was always a problem, a huge issue for me.    The situation dominated the majority of my life.

I always felt isolated, and there was no way, I would have that for my girls.  Therefore, one can imagine my frustration, when mummy tried to damage the relationship.  In some ways today, I think she succeeded as the eldest two has always been closer.   At the time of writing this, I can feel my stomach turn.


As  I was saying, Well, that evening, My eldest daughter was on the phone.  “Hi mummy”.  she said.   “Granny said we can come home.  I was confused.  “Was this some sort of game my mummy was playing?”

Again…….

The same weekend, after receiving the report.  I had collected the girls.  Although I was glad to see them.  I was very upset.  In fact I was mad.   I totally  reprimanded them  completely, I shouted, I ranted and I raged. I was furious.  I could not bring myself to think of them as children that day.  I was irrational, I  knew deep down it was not their fault, but all I could see was a future where they spent all their childhood living with mummy.    This was not life I wanted for them, I just wanted them  home, and because of  them, well, the youngest girl my fight had become harder.

But I refused to give up.

“You  both are old enough to do better, I shouted.

“Fine!  “you of you can stay with your granny forever and ever and EVER”, I screamed, in between tears. That was the first time my girls would see me upset.  Yes, I accept I was totally irrational, but believe it was through desperation.

I continued to shout,  then I specifically recall this conversation.

“such a simple thing, why couldn’t you just say”. “ I don’t want to”

Then I heard my youngest little girl say.  ” I did”

I looked at her sadly,  she had stopped me in my tracks.

My  little girl was proud, she had locked those words in her little heart, and when the welfare officer asked her. She knew exactly what to say.  She didn’t understand the question, she only understood the answer.  My poor baby.  This made me realise they wanted to come home after all.

So naturally, when the girls went back home the Sunday, they cried and cried and cried,  mummy knew my girls wanted me. The children were inconsolable, my understanding later was my eldest daughter had laid into my little girl. She told her because of her, they would live with granny for ever and ever and ever.

As a result ,    something had stirred in my mummy’s hard cold heart, but when she told my girls they can go home. Mummy didn’t, realise, it was not that simple.  But that day she realized, you cannot keep birds in a cage.

I will try to work something out, I said to my girl but you cannot come home today. I hung up.

When I came off  the telephone.  I smiled

YES, my fight was back on.

I called my solicitor.  Please do all you can to get my girls.

 

 

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