The day had arrived….
I woke up at 5am that morning, It was a long night, I didn’t sleep well at all. I woke up many times to go to the toilet. when I woke up in the morning, I had a glass of hot Ribena (blackcurrant juice), but I immediately felt sick and ran to the toilet, and I threw up. in the toilet. D and the children were still sleeping.
As I walked downstairs to the living room, I felt my friend anxiety returning and I tried very hard to suppress her, I was not on medication, as I thought my anxiety would just disappear. Other times, I thought it was in my mind, but in any case I had learnt to breathe in a brown paper bag, or whatever I had at the time. For some reason it seemed to work. as my anxiety became worse, I went to the kitchen, but I recall the only brown paper bag I had been filled with thyme I had brought this previously, as I threw the Thyme out my bag, I felt my chest getting tighter and tighter, so I took the brown paper bag and sat behind the door in the dark. I opened the bag and put my mouth and nose in it and started to inhale. The smell of the Thyme mingle in the air, but I continued to breathe deeply inside the bag. gradually, I started feeling better.
I got up…..
My solicitor Jill had sent me a bundle of documents to read, and I got up, took them out the drawer, and started to read. After a while I thought. I don’t need to read them, as over the years I knew exactly what had occurred. Further, my case was simple. After all. I had lived it. My mind wandered as I relived the situation over and over in mind.
Well, basically, when I was younger, I was abused, da da da. I ran away from home, da da da. D advised me to visit my mummy, so she could know the grandkids. I blamed him in my heart for the events that took place, but due to his violent nature I couldn’t tell him. Well after living with mummy for a while, I would go to work, and come back to her home. My girls were all I had, because their father was not on the scene . The day after I visited mummy to tell her I had finally received an offer for housing….the unthinkable happened…
I went back upstairs to use the toilet, my bladder was very weak that morning, but looking back it could have been psychological. I stayed awake thinking, panicking until around 7.00am.
Around 07.30am, My neighbour knocked the door to wake us up. Her partner had just left to go to work and she remembered my case was today. When I opened the door, she said. “I knew you would be awake, but I was just checking”. I grew to really love my friend, the bond still wasn’t the same as I had with my best friend, but I was very close to her. She came inside and helped with the younger children. By now D was up, we started getting ready.
I noticed how quickly, the sky had turned bright, the sun was coming out, it was still during the six-week holiday. The court date was today, at 10am. Today, I felt literally sick.
It was the final hearing.
The day before I was at Jill’s office, she explained she would meet me at court, but it would be a limited discussion; she also said that we wouldn’t discuss the case that day, that she would be in chambers. She gave me instructions, “please remain your quiet self. Do not talk in the courtroom, do not let the judge get the bad impression of you, do not argue with D” Follow my instructions she would say. Then she held my hand and squeezed it tightly. Meeting My solicitor Jill, was the best thing so far, in such a short space of time, she had managed to bring my case to court, not just any court the Royal Courts of Justice, she had managed to get the biased welfare officer removed, she had kept me on my toes, advising and advising.
I was a good student.
D, was treating me better for a while now, but the damage was done mentally so I couldn’t love him, I tried very hard but something was missing from my life. Well luckily he was supportive, now and as a result D and I, we left home at 8.15am, D, thought it was too early but eventually agreed with me, he knew he couldn’t change my mind but Lateness was never my thing. Although the court was not that far, I didn’t want to be late.
That morning, I considered I was cursed because the gypsy had said so, (previous post), I was not prepared to take the chance. I was also beginning to now believe what the gypsy had said when I was young. Her words would haunt me again and again, whenever I had a crisis especially as everything I touched would crumble. I couldn’t remember a time when anything went right.
We travelled on the train in silence; many thoughts was racing through my mind, my daughters would be in the juniors at school, I had missed so much of their lives, simply because I had no brothers or sisters to help me fight mummy, the case had gone on far too long.
We arrived at the courts by 09.00am, my anxiety was back in full swing, I could feel my heart in my chest, I had no brown paper bag. I didn’t know it could beat like that as adrenaline kicked in. I left D, and went in search of the toilets. When I reached the toilets I went straight to the taps, and splashed cold water on my face, to calm me down, it wasn’t working.
My friend anxiety would not leave me today, I felt my body trembling, and I sat in the toilet and vomited again, nothing came up as the last thing I drank was Ribena, and that had already came up at home. I remember the sensation of being suffocated, as I told myself to calm down. After what seemed like ages, I got up and went back outside
There was a water fountain outside, I remember seeing it , before I went in the toilets, I bent over and drank some water. I could feel someone standing behind me, so I stepped aside. I looked up and smiled. As I walked back to where D was standing, I could see ahead of me that the figures were getting blurry, as I held on the wall to steady myself. “What is wrong with me”, I thought.
Jill arrived at 09.15, looking smart and serious as before, it’s like she was three people. The Jill in the office, the Jill outside court and the Jill inside court. As soon as I saw Jill I felt better, I felt stronger. My anxiety gradually subsided. She tapped me on the shoulder “you will be alright” she said. At the moment in time, I dissected every word she said. I recall still feeling sick. Jill had said “YOU will be alright”. She didn’t say IT would be alright, what did she mean?, Did she mean I would not be getting my girls?. I know it was not up to Jill, but I didn’t feel reassured. I wanted to ask her but I didn’t. “What’s to be will be”, I thought.
At 10am prompt. our case was called. “All parties to the proceedings for case number….please go to courtroom five”, that was us. I stood up with D, and we walked in. The usher opened the door, I stood up in the courtroom beside D. Mummy was on the other side to the left. I was scared. Jill was at the front beside the opposing side.
Here I was in court with my own mummy, my birth mother, for no reason. I started to cry. D put his arm around me. “It’s going to be ok”, he said. Why did he say it’s?, he wasn’t my solicitor. But I liked that. “Yes”, I thought; ITS going to be ok. Luckily, D was still holding me, when the judge walked in.
coincidence or what?
The judge arrived in the room, it was the same Judge, “Thank you God” I said. I don’t know why I said that, as God was still far from my life. Maybe it was a habit, but I had said it anyway.
“All seated said the judge… My final custody battle had begun.
This judge had the power to destroy my life or change my life…
With tears still in my eyes! I waited…
Time seem to stand still for a me.