Puppet on a string


Today was the day, the fight began, the fight wasn’t with me, but with the two solicitors as each will try to show the court the best place for my children to be. I sat in court my new word was dissociation,  as my mind wandered to everything that I had gone through for the past couple years before I even got to this stage.

We were all sat inside the  Royal Courts of Justice.

Present was the same solicitor, as the  last time, the tall serious looking gentleman, I thought of Jill, and thought he was no match for her.  But then, I thought because I wanted my children so bad.  I  guess I would think anything.  I looked at the judge and tried to analyse him, but I couldn’t as he had a poker face. He was giving nothing away., looking over his glasses as if he himself was trying to analyse the people in the courtroom.

My mummy’s solicitor started first.

He stood up and started to summarise the case.  He gave the names and date of birth of the children.  I was surprised when he immediately started to  crucify  my character, he was quick to judge me; that I was a young mum with four children, that I had a new life and the girls were settled with their grandmother.  I thought he was as crazy as mummy.. “A farmer would miss his sheep no matter how many he had”, I thought.  I was also thinking “but they are my children”.  They were only settled with mummy because of court bureaucracy.

It was because of my mummy, my children had spent their young life in courts.   To me that was sheer cruelty. The more mummy’s solicitor spoke the more uncomfortable I became. He made me feel like I was a worthless mum.  I was also embarrassed.  He almost convinced me that it was my fault.

He was good!

He wanted to clearly create an impression of me  as this awful teenage mum. The disobedient teacher, the rebellious teenager.  This was far from the truth. Mummy knew why she didn’t like me.  (Later post)

He paid no attention to the fact that I’ve always worked and he continued to accused me of abandoning my children.  I know now he had to do this, but at the time I couldn’t understand that he was only fighting for his client. My mother!  Also, why Jill wasn’t defending me.

The lies, were becoming the death of me. I could feel my chest heaving, I could feel my legs trembling.  I wanted to leave the room. But I couldn’t.

I had to listen to mummy solicitor explaining how  their loving grandmother had saved my girls,   “Saved them,” the words echoed in mind.  My children needed saving from her.  He kept repeating that they were abandoned by me, after every sentence. I hated the part where  he said I had a new life now, which didn’t involve my girls, I knew mummy had told him this.  I recall the amount of times she told my children that D, was not their father, that they should not call him daddy, that their younger siblings were not their brother or sister.

I would occasionally glance at her, in the courtroom, and wonder if she would back down;  couldn’t she imagine what she had put me through, but mummy’s heart was made with stone. She kept a straight face.  I could imagine her filled with Glee.  After all her solicitor was on her side.  Mummy didn’t want my girls she just wanted to hurt me.  I knew that, but would the judge see that?

Mummy had hurt me the only way she knew but she had enlisted the help from the court. She was given more power over me.  I was just their puppet.

imageAs the solicitor kept condemning me, the judge would look down from his glasses, I never understood why he wouldn’t look inside the glasses, I guess it showed authority.  I was petrified to say the least. I thought maybe if I kept staring  at him, he would read my mind and find out that  I had never told a lie, I was innocent.  I had never abandon my children, I knew that was a stupid thought, after all.  The judge couldn’t read minds.

My mind had wandered until… I heard the solicitor tell the court that,  my mummy tried to adopt my eldest daughter as  soon as she was born, then he had the cheek to say “due to negligence by the past social worker” that  my mother had not been given the rights to the newborn, and if she had been we would not have been in court today”.

Those words had hit a nerve,  “Jill” I said.  “I have to leave, I can’t  breathe, I can’t take anymore” , I got up to leave, the judge said “silence in the court of law”.


“Please your honor, it’s not true” I said with tears in my eyes.

My mothers solicitor jumped up, “this is a show” He said



“Objection your honor”, said Jill.    it is wrong to make assumptions, this is a mother whom has lost her children to a grandmother.  Her own mother, We need compassion here”.

“Objection sustained”said the judge.

I didn’t even know what that meant but It felt like it was in our favour.

“Jill please I cannot  breathe, I need to get out I’m going to be sick, I said.

“Pull yourself together” she whispered. , This was beginning to be the longest day of my life so far,  then Jill slipped a piece of paper to me where she had scribbled some notes it read.

“I cannot afford to be emotionally attached to you right now, breaking down will show the judge you are unstable, pull yourself together if you want the best outcome”.  

That was the kick I needed, although there were still  silent tears, and sniffles,  I never said another word.

Now  this is where the case became crazy,

“The courts call the grandmother, Mrs B. The judge said….













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