Right intentions, wrong direction…

My girls were home, they had been accepted into the same school. My first reaction was to take them shopping, D and I bought all their school clothes that day.  It was white shirt, burgundy jumper, grey skirt, white socks and black shoes.  As soon as we arrived home, my girls excitedly tried on their school clothes and  we all  went into the garden and took their photographs.  It was as if I wanted to capture this moment on camera forever. My eldest was in the middle with her arm around her two sisters at  each side. My youngest  daughter was grinning immensely.

My girls were finally together, and I wanted to make sure they never left my side. They started  school two weeks later in order for us to have some quality time and a period of de-schooling We all went to the park and the seaside and my children had the time of their lives. At no point did they mention their grandmother, and neither did I?  I made sure we created memories those few weeks. My two friends were forever present and we all just got on with life.

Mummy was never contacted again, and the girls didn’t see her, although I would allow them to speak to her on the phone. I never contacted mummy myself.   After my girls were back three months.  I decided to find another job.

A month after my girls were settled in school. I had started working as a residential social worker.( unqualified social worker).   This involved looking after severely disabled children at weekends so their parents could have a break. The job was enjoyable in many ways, such as bathing the children, and arranging trips for them, as well as supporting the parents.

Many satisfaction and goals were achieved when the children reached various milestones we had set for them. working with these children showed me how lucky I was, and I would occasionally bring them to the house so my girls would appreciate others.  I fell into life with D and  was so wrapped up in my children and work, I didn’t realise that D was acting different.  Although  we argued a lot, the violence had somewhat reduced.  After Christmas I decided mentally to try to accept my life with D, and try to make our relationship work, especially as life seemed to be  moving quickly for me, and most of all my children were happy and settled.

Personally, I wasn’t happy, in fact I didn’t know how to be happy, at times it didn’t really seem possible.  but, there was calm to my life and my anxiety had reduced.  due to my reluctance to rely on state handouts, I applied and was accepted onto a computer course.  There was no particular interest in the course, but I like the idea that I was in college. Further, it was my goal for my children to realise that despite major setbacks one could still become a  high achievers .

At college I was meeting new people, I had not formed relationships as I was satisfied with my two friends, but I had new acquaintances, all female.   We would attend the canteen every afternoon for lunch.

I had not slept with D much, and not at all after Christmas.  We did however slept together once in the new year.

Four months after my children came back.  After I came home from college One afternoon. I felt extremely sick. Having eaten at the canteen that afternoon, and I was convinced it was good poisoning also and especially as a friend said she felt the same way. I  took every medication I could but still felt sick. After rolling around on the floor for ages, D came home, he saw me on the floor and he asked me what was wrong, so I explained that..

“I had some food at the canteen and I thought I had food poisoning,  D didn’t seem interested. But muttered something and went back upstairs.

After  a while he got dressed and left, being wrapped up in my life with my girls and work,  D’s subtle changes had gone unnoticed so life just continued into the routine;  with D leaving the house after work and me being with my girls, I was disappointed that he was not showing that much interest in home.  But, i particular liked my own space as D was still drinking.

Two months later, D told me he had met someone else.  I was quite surprised especially as I was at the point where I had decided to try to make the relationship work, to try to put the violence behind.  After all he was there for my girls.  The next thing he said sent hairs up my spine “he was taking my son”

My only son, D had been taking my only son to his womans house, they were having sexual intercourse with my son at the house.  “I was mad” for some strange reason I was also jealous.  I imagine that he would treat her better than me, after all I still consider myself a nobody. The thought that he was using my son to get with this woman made me mad inside. I couldn’t challenge D, much as I was still quite weary of him. But, the idea that my children would lose their father filled me with dread, after all I had just recently got them back, why would he do this to me now?

Well D, was not backing down, he was having an affair and I was just supposed to accept it. .  My eyes were open to the late nights, and the constant bathing, especially as  D was not the tidiness of men, but now he was bathing regular.  I told my friends, but I couldn’t show them I was upset.  After all, how could I be upset? He wasnt the best partner in the world.  I didn’t want to look weak.  D, wanted me to accept the relationship. I was now just the baby mother.

One night he didn’t come home, I was upset….

There is no way I would allow anyone to take away my children’s father, or my son.   It just couldn’t happen.  I had been fighting for too long to prove to the courts that we were stable, I had taken the beatings the demand for sex, just so I could get my girls back.  I made him have his pleasure as and when required.  Now, I was being discarded.  I went to bed upset. I had no idea where this girl lived…what she looked like or anything about her.  But I was jealous.

At 3am I woke up as if in a trance…I had a vision just like before, previous post.  I had this urgent need to find him, as he still hadn’t come home.  I had nowhere to look but the same anxiety, the same voice, it’s like it was leading me.  I got dressed and put on my coat. I had my car by this time, nothing special, a little run around but it got me places.  Still in a trance like state I went to the petrol station and bought some petrol, and a box of match.  I’m going to scare him, I’m going to destroy his car, I thought.  Even though I had no idea where D was.  That would stop him going to see her. I thought.

I drove frantically  around my area for a while, then I drove to the next borough.  My anxiety was back and frustration  had set in, as I drove around like a mad person trying to find D.  Eventually, I felt as if I was led to a town called Harlesden around five miles away; again I drove around still no signs of D, or his blue Cortina car. I don’t know what I expected to find at 4am in the morning, but I wasn’t giving up.   My anxiety was getting worse.

Something told me to drive on this particular road, but I still didn’t see him and I gave up and went back home.  After being at home for 30 minutes, I felt tormented and the same urge came back, to go back to Harlesden five miles away, and to go back on the same road.

Which I did.

This is time the blue Cortina was parked across the road,  I sat in the car for a while, I didn’t have a clue which house, due to how the houses are situated in the UK with cars parked on either side.

image

But again something said.  Look up!  that’s the house.

After getting out the car, I returned for my petrol and my match.  But, as I looked up, I saw the curtain move and D was at the window.  When he saw me, I ran to the house and started banging.  He came downstairs totally shocked and opened the door.  Next his new girlfriend came down in her nightdress.  Sounds familiar

Rage filled me and I tried to open the petrol cap.  At this point I still don’t know why, I was not thinking.  D ran downstairs and grabbed me, and held me against the wall.  That actually didn’t bother me.  What did,was him saying to his new girlfriend  “Dee call the police“…. He grabbed the petrol and poured it all over me…

“Why do you hate  me,?”  I said

I felt like a nobody again, D held me, as we  waited for the police to arrive.

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2 Responses to Right intentions, wrong direction…

  1. Beverley says:

    Thank you Meghan and for reading, yes, you are so right that was a very bad decision….indeed.

    Like

  2. Wow, incredible story. It is amazing what we do when we are desperate to find safety and love. Oh the lessons we learn, but are better and stronger from them. Meghan

    Liked by 1 person

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