Take her down!


D held me until the police arrived.

I was arrested..handcuffed and handed over like a nobody..

I was handcuffed and put in the police car, extremely distressed.  As the police car drive off with me in the back, I saw D, put his arms around his new girlfriend and went back inside.

Suddenly, I realised what I had done, “please officer I’m  sorry, I only wanted to scare him”.  The officer in the front told me to try to calm down but was inconsolable.

I was taking to the police station and processed, my fingerprints were taken, and my picture.  Then they Handed me two swabs to put in my mouth for a DNA  sample.  After I was questioned by the duty solicitor.  I was told I was staying in the station overnight.  I thought of my children at home by themselves, and didn’t know what to do.  How would they get to school?  Would   I lose them?, will mummy take them?  I was absolutely desperate.  “Please can I make a call”. I asked.  But the opportunity never came.

I really  wanted to call my best friend, but they wouldn’t  allow me.  I was taken to the cell.   Slam!  Went the big heavy metal doors. I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter.  It was claustrophobic and I couldn’t breathe, I banged on the door as hard as I could, but no one came. I cried.

I heard a mans voice shouting “be quiet in there”, but once I had  a response, I kept screaming and banging.  I thought I would go mad, in such a small room. But I kept banging I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. I shouted.  I felt hot and dizzy as the walls cave in on me.



My cell had no gates


Then I heard some clanging of keys as the police officer opened the cell door,

” Are you alright love” “Calm down love,  He said.

Get some help this girl is hyperventilating quick”

Please don’t put me back in there I can’t breathe please, I promise I’ll be quiet please”

I believe the officer saw the desperation as he agreed that I could sit quietly on the bench. While another officer gave me a glass of water.   I was in turmoil, I had been arrested. Me, arrested.  I couldn’t believe it.  It was like time stood still that day.

My thoughts were irrational and obsessive…D was with his new girlfriend. He was going take my  baby son and my daughters would be taken away.  I would lose my home, my job, I was bombarded with these thoughts and my head was pounding.    I couldn’t believe what I had done in a moment of madness but the proof was there as I still smelt of petrol.

After a while the officer called me to take my details and for a cross-examination.  I was asked many questions and I answered everything truthfully. This was my first encounter with the police.

“I  wasn’t thinking straight at the time” I recall saying. Please believe me, I would never hurt anyone”.   I told them about the violence, the sexual demands the abuse, I tried everything, but nothing worked.

I never saw anyone that day.  I didn’t know what was happening.  I was left in the police station overnight, to attend court the following morning.  As a result I was put back into the cell but I sat huddled in the corner close to the corner of the door; absolutely terrified.  As the night went on I tried to block out all my thoughts to somehow preserved my mentality. I would observe the shadows on the wall and try to create images in my mind.








I did not sleep that night, as I waited. I had not been to the bathroom.  I felt dirty and unkempt.  Nevertheless, I  had no choice but to wait.   I can recall calling out to God several times through the night, but it wasn’t because I thought he would help, my faith was still very weak, I guess it’s just what people do in times of stress. I believe we all know God exist, but we choose not to acknowledge or accept it.

At 7am, I heard more  clanging of keys, as the officer came to open the cell door, I was  going to be taken to court and because it was a distance away, we had to leave at 7am.

We arrived at court in the prison van.  image

I recall feeling ashamed, I felt like I was better than everyone else, I was a lady.

how could I be here mixing with these people. Yet, I was just like them. A jail-bird.

I was put into another cell but this time, it was larger, in actual fact it was a see through cage… I was with seven  other people.  The stench of body odour made me feel sick and weak couple with the fact it was now couple hours since I ate.     The other cell mates were loud. They seemed comfortable they sounded like they were use to prison cells and would chat and laugh at the officers, then there was me, standing in the corner and in fear of my life.  Taken away from all I knew.

The officers would tell them to be quiet, as they shouted at the top of their voices, but they would just laugh and swear.  I was  mentally willing the other cell mates to be quiet, because I didn’t want to be punished further and because I was in the cell, I assumed I would be punished too guilty by association.

I was alone with my thoughts once more. I wandered what D was doing…

We arrived in court and I heard the police officer explain to the judge What I had done.  I recall feeling numb…lonely, and frightened, surrounded my police officers.






I was in shock when I heard the judge say, due to the serious nature of the case.  She will be remanded in custody.

Take  her down….my knees buckled as I was handcuffed.

“Was I really going to prison”? Eight months after getting my children back from mummy?




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3 Responses to Take her down!

  1. Mrs E says:

    Oh no the children! My heart is heavy and the upset reading this is heart r


  2. T says:

    oh no. Wow Beverley, your last two posts took my breath away as I read them. I read your last post this morning from my phone and could not get it to work correctly to leave a comment. Through them both my heart was pounding out of my chest as I read. Desperation can make us all do things we never thought we would do and after all that you had been through I can see how you would be so upset to do something so drastic. I looking forward to the next post to hopefully see that you do not go to prison.I continue to pray for you as you work your way through writing out the rest of your journey. God bless you.


    • Beverley says:

      Thank you, Terri, yes, by now life had started to get rather complicated. I try to read scripture as I journey through, not sure what the outcome will be, but I believe I have gone through this for a reason. Thanks for reading Terri, and thank you for the support.


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