Her majesty’s pleasure.

image

 

TAKE HER DOWN”  the case will adjourn for 28 days.  Said the judge.

I was actually going to prison for twenty-eight days.  All I could think of was my children and in particular my baby son he was so close to me. How will he cope, and does anyone know where I am?   Where will my children go?  Surely not mummy, as this time I was 100% guilty.

I was taken back to the cell in the basement of the court to wait for the other cases to be heard. All the possession I had on me was taken. It wasn’t much just my keys and maybe £20.    This time I couldn’t cry, as I was totally shocked.  I was not given anything to eat, until very late, the officer said “take it as you don’t know when the next one is coming”  this was a cup of tea and sandwich.  My day seemed surreal was I dreaming? was this a nightmare”. If it was I needed to be woken up quickly.

Stubborn me, still didn’t call on God, though everything else crossed my mind.  The gypsy curse was more prominent in my mind than God.

By five o clock that evening, I knew it definitely was not a nightmare, I was actually going to prison, my life had changed in a moment.  I was taken in handcuffs in the prison van with other prisoners, to be taken at Her Majesty Pleasure to Holloway women’s prison. In the van the handcuff was removed but I was strapped into a very small cubicle.

I felt anxiety coming back though this time I knew I had to be stronger than I ever was, I needed to get out of this place. I wanted to see my children desperately.  However,  fear of the unknown engulfed me and took over.  I realised, I couldn’t do this,  I couldn’t be strong anymore.  Suicide was  the way out.  But how?

Then it came to me, I had a bleeding condition. here

” That’s it, I will cut myself, because I will bleed and then I would die“.  “Yes”, I thought.  That is exactly what I would do. I can’t handle anymore, it’s been the same since I was seven.  The gypsy’ words also came back to haunt me. Panic had set it.

Coincidently, on the side of the window, I noticed a paper clip.

I managed to slide  it from the window without the prison guard seeing it. I somehow managed to open it wide, in between my legs, until it was at sharp point. Then  I would cut furiously at my wrist, it didn’t hurt, as I was oblivious to the pain, I was numb and  could no longer feel.  After I had sliced a good chunk out of my skin, I was trying to get to get deeper at least to the vein. I smiled as I saw the blood,  and was distracted.    ” What are you doing”  the prisoner guard said. As she fumbled with the keys and tried furiously to open the door.  I looked at her and quickly tried to attack  my skin, it was now or never.   Sadly, the paper clip was too blunt.  My attempts had failed as the prison guard  entered my cubicle and grabbed my wrist. She grabbed some paper towels and wrapped my arm in tissue and re-handcuffed me, I cried hysterically.

I looked at her blankly.  When she said.  “It’s not worth it honey”. In my mind I heard only the word “Honey”. That was my nickname that my father called me.  Why did she use this name? How did she know? But I realised that the word “Honey” was just a word to her.  Although the it meant so much more to me.  I thought of my father, I had lost him too,  and I knew the first opportunity I  ever got.

I was going to kill myself.

I stared out of the window and watched the trees, as they whooshed  past the windows, as I looked out the window of the van, I wondered if anyone could see me, but the windows were blacked out, I watched as I moved from area to area, leaving my children behind. With tears in my eyes I continued to observe the shoppers on the street, how free and how free they looked.  I didn’t know where I was going or how far the prison was,  tired and hungry, I sat back in the chair.    There was no chance to tell my children goodbye.  The  judges words echoed in my head and stabbed at my heart repeatedly, as if to mock me.

Y.o.u  a.r.e.  g. o.i.n.g.  t.o.  P.r.i.s.o.n.” I thought.

Was I going mad, or was I simply having a breakdown?

After I thought about what prison life would be like, I was scared.  Then I saw a sign ..

image

As the van turned into the opening, I decided to try to turn off any emotions, I took a deep breath and inhale.  I need to be in a trance like state to survive.  I need to use all my reserves to protect myself from having a mental breakdown.

We all waited for what seem like hours in the van, while each prisoner was processed.

When It was my turn,  I knew I had every reason to be afraid. I thought of D and his new girlfriend, what were they doing? I dissected every conversation every image  in my mind, while I waited in the van.  It felt like nothing mattered.  I wanted to die.  Period.

Then I heard the clanging of keys as the prison guard said

time to go”  ” don’t worry we are watching you, and even if you was on your last breath, we would revive you” I remember these words still clearly, because I remember thinking if I was going to commit suicide I needed to make sure it worked, so this time I was not going to cut one place I would cut three.  I smiled to myself, as I knew I was not going to suffer anymore.  I had gone through enough, and mentally I was being broken.

I was shoved into a  large cubicle with all the other ladies.  There were many women being checked and signed in, there was no privacy….I learnt new words the main one was isolation…

The big burly prison officer came over to me and handed me a silver basin with clothes inside…

“Get over there and….. STRIP NAKED”….

 

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9 Responses to Her majesty’s pleasure.

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  2. I’m so sorry Beverley. I don’t know what else to say… I’m lost for words.
    Much love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Beverley, I have caught up with your life story, at least what you have shared and I feel so much sadness for what you experienced which is similar in some ways to my own life, although I never went to jail and my babies died at Birth and the others during gestation.

    Can I just say first Beverly, I think you are a wonderful Mum, your Love for your children is very evident and even after all the abuse that was afflicted on you, your heart was still with them. Yes you were heartbroken and felt no one cared that you were and so you wanted to end it all but that was motivated by shock at what was happening to you at the time. I have wanted to die too but I was not innocent like you were but Jesus still rescued me, I will leave a link for you below.

    Rescued – http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2013/05/25/jesus-rescued-his-lost-sheep/

    You may have lost it Beverly, in wanting to get back at D but it was your overwhelming pain of being abandoned again that motivated your actions, you should never have been imprisoned but instead given time to rest and heal emotionally in Hospital, I’m very angry at how you were treated but perhaps in the following Post you may share about some compassion and understanding that was shown to you..

    One thing I know without a doubt is Jesus Loves you greatly Beverly and He has cried for you as your suffered and our Abba Father is protecting your soul, that is why you have not rejected His Love for you in your heart, even though you have known much more heartache than most have which was not from Him.

    Do you still feel sorry for yourself at times Beverly, which you said you did in some of your messages , it’s OK to feel this way untill we heal, we need to have compassion for ourselves for what life and others have done to us, we don’t have to be Happy Clappy all the time, we are not zombies without feelings, emotions are a gift from God. I’m crying for you right now for the pain you have suffered, I only wish I could have held you close and given you comfort when needed most but please believe me, my heart hears yours and my prayers will always be with you Beverly through the good and bad ahead and I will value very much your friendship if you want me to have it.

    Christian Love Always – Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beverley says:

      Hi Anne, trust me I appreciate this more than you know, can I be honest and say, so,far I have not found the hugs and comforts you describe, but I feel secure now that I have found Jesus, my life has definitely changed. I know it is not coincidence, as I feel his presence daily. I’m so sorry about what happened to you. Even more sorry that your life was similar to mine,and it really affects me when I think about others that have endured what i endured. I know there are others with worse situations than me, but each of us know what we can handle. I’m sorry about your losses. that is horrendous on its own, the good thing is that you will see your babies again. Thank you for link, I treasure those. And also the time you have taken out for me. I do believe that I was somehow cursed now, especially as since been baptised I feel so different, I feel untouchable, and although it has taken many years, I’m grateful. I really could handle much more. Yes Anne I still feel sorry for myself at times, still have many regrets, still wish things was different. But I fight to stop those thoughts now, and think of happy things. Of course I would love to be your friend, although I am more happy that I have found another sister in Christ in you.. 🙂 after all we are all one race. I really appreciate you taking time out for me. More than you could ever know… When I decided to do a blog, it was because I thought I was releasing my demons, I also felt that this is what God wanted me to do, there were many suttle signs he showed me. such as writers contacting me, comments made about writing, and my solicitors encouragement. but I didn’t think anyone would be interested as there are so many problems in the world. I didn’t want my story to be another sob story. But I am really hoping that people will recognise that God exists after reading mine. I hope to be one of Gods disciples. I have been going through your blog too, and for me it’s like an educational paradise. Xx

      Like

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