“TAKE HER DOWN” the case will adjourn for 28 days. Said the judge.
I was actually going to prison for twenty-eight days. All I could think of was my children and in particular my baby son he was so close to me. How will he cope, and does anyone know where I am? Where will my children go? Surely not mummy, as this time I was 100% guilty.
I was taken back to the cell in the basement of the court to wait for the other cases to be heard. All the possession I had on me was taken. It wasn’t much just my keys and maybe £20. This time I couldn’t cry, as I was totally shocked. I was not given anything to eat, until very late, the officer said “take it as you don’t know when the next one is coming” this was a cup of tea and sandwich. My day seemed surreal was I dreaming? was this a nightmare”. If it was I needed to be woken up quickly.
Stubborn me, still didn’t call on God, though everything else crossed my mind. The gypsy curse was more prominent in my mind than God.
By five o clock that evening, I knew it definitely was not a nightmare, I was actually going to prison, my life had changed in a moment. I was taken in handcuffs in the prison van with other prisoners, to be taken at Her Majesty Pleasure to Holloway women’s prison. In the van the handcuff was removed but I was strapped into a very small cubicle.
I felt anxiety coming back though this time I knew I had to be stronger than I ever was, I needed to get out of this place. I wanted to see my children desperately. However, fear of the unknown engulfed me and took over. I realised, I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t be strong anymore. Suicide was the way out. But how?
Then it came to me, I had a bleeding condition. here
” That’s it, I will cut myself, because I will bleed and then I would die“. “Yes”, I thought. That is exactly what I would do. I can’t handle anymore, it’s been the same since I was seven. The gypsy’ words also came back to haunt me. Panic had set it.
Coincidently, on the side of the window, I noticed a paper clip.
I managed to slide it from the window without the prison guard seeing it. I somehow managed to open it wide, in between my legs, until it was at sharp point. Then I would cut furiously at my wrist, it didn’t hurt, as I was oblivious to the pain, I was numb and could no longer feel. After I had sliced a good chunk out of my skin, I was trying to get to get deeper at least to the vein. I smiled as I saw the blood, and was distracted. ” What are you doing” the prisoner guard said. As she fumbled with the keys and tried furiously to open the door. I looked at her and quickly tried to attack my skin, it was now or never. Sadly, the paper clip was too blunt. My attempts had failed as the prison guard entered my cubicle and grabbed my wrist. She grabbed some paper towels and wrapped my arm in tissue and re-handcuffed me, I cried hysterically.
I looked at her blankly. When she said. “It’s not worth it honey”. In my mind I heard only the word “Honey”. That was my nickname that my father called me. Why did she use this name? How did she know? But I realised that the word “Honey” was just a word to her. Although the it meant so much more to me. I thought of my father, I had lost him too, and I knew the first opportunity I ever got.
I was going to kill myself.
I stared out of the window and watched the trees, as they whooshed past the windows, as I looked out the window of the van, I wondered if anyone could see me, but the windows were blacked out, I watched as I moved from area to area, leaving my children behind. With tears in my eyes I continued to observe the shoppers on the street, how free and how free they looked. I didn’t know where I was going or how far the prison was, tired and hungry, I sat back in the chair. There was no chance to tell my children goodbye. The judges words echoed in my head and stabbed at my heart repeatedly, as if to mock me.
“Y.o.u a.r.e. g. o.i.n.g. t.o. P.r.i.s.o.n.” I thought.
Was I going mad, or was I simply having a breakdown?
After I thought about what prison life would be like, I was scared. Then I saw a sign ..
As the van turned into the opening, I decided to try to turn off any emotions, I took a deep breath and inhale. I need to be in a trance like state to survive. I need to use all my reserves to protect myself from having a mental breakdown.
We all waited for what seem like hours in the van, while each prisoner was processed.
When It was my turn, I knew I had every reason to be afraid. I thought of D and his new girlfriend, what were they doing? I dissected every conversation every image in my mind, while I waited in the van. It felt like nothing mattered. I wanted to die. Period.
Then I heard the clanging of keys as the prison guard said
“time to go” ” don’t worry we are watching you, and even if you was on your last breath, we would revive you” I remember these words still clearly, because I remember thinking if I was going to commit suicide I needed to make sure it worked, so this time I was not going to cut one place I would cut three. I smiled to myself, as I knew I was not going to suffer anymore. I had gone through enough, and mentally I was being broken.
I was shoved into a large cubicle with all the other ladies. There were many women being checked and signed in, there was no privacy….I learnt new words the main one was isolation…
The big burly prison officer came over to me and handed me a silver basin with clothes inside…
“Get over there and….. STRIP NAKED”….