I write this with a heaviness in my chest, with tremors in my hand but with love in my heart.
I am sorry I have not written for a while. Ironically my last post was on 27/11/2014, when I suffered a an unfair job loss, since then life has been a downward spiral of depression, and selfishly having feel of suicide due to feeling worthless. In the post I also said “don’t worry, No one has died.”
little did did I know the biggest shock was yet to come.
I would never have thought I would now be writing this. Sadly I have lost my only sister six years senior. Although my blog has not touched on the part of how we met or where we met. I can only say without spoiling the blog for my readers. That we were very close. In my life I can say I felt the love. No doubt about it.
My sister was diagnose with ovarian cancer three weeks after my last post and while going through this job loss. This was a totally unfair dismissal. That shook me to the bone. Yep, I know, I had these thoughts but knew I couldn’t do it, as I needed to keep my faith in God.
My son got married on 14th December 2014, it was a splendid faultless Hindu ceremony. I smiled between the pain, and wore my mask well. The next day 15th December 2014, on my way back from a cancelled dental appointment. I received a call that would change my life completely. My sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer and with those words,… “there is nothing we can do but make her comfortable” I dropped what I was doing and went straight to the hospital, and hour drive away.
I cried again. My anxiety kicked in and I couldn’t breathe. But after seeing her I heard a voice say “she has four weeks” so I gave her four weeks in my mind. Yet, No professional had said when she would pass.
For those who are not religious, please bare with me.
I actually felt the holy spirit guiding me. I definately heard a voice say, four weeks. I felt I was led all the way, I had a drive to make sure all my children had pictures with her and videos, and we visited daily. It’s like I was led to bank those memories. I succeeded as now everyone has a treasured picture with her.
The consultant gathered us in the room and said. “Anything we do is only to make her comfortable”. Although I totally blocked out the idea she would die, the voice was still there constantly “four weeks” As mentioned in previous post, I don’t know if it’s a gift or what. But this was very vivid. Everytime someone asked about her I would say she has four weeks. Sorry all I have no explanation for this. Just being as honest as I can.
Well on the Friday before she died 9th January around 12.30pm. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable at home. I felt a presence. I said a silent bible verse, but still felt a presence in the room. I kept looking towards the door. I said to my youngest daughter age 16. That ” I felt like something bad was going to happen” if you have read my previous post you will see that when I say this it usually does come true.
She asked me if it was about Aunty Burley as we call her. And I said I don’t know. We stayed awake until 2 am 10th. January, trying to watch a movie to block out my thoughts. But somehow fell asleep on the chair.
I was woken at 6am. To say she had passed. the hospital stated she died between 12.30 and 3am. 😦
Since that time I have not cried as although the voice kept telling me four weeks, I didn’t accept it. I do believe that God was preparing me,
2″When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you
At the moment, it hurts, I am still going through the motions she was buried yesterday 15th FEBRUARY. Buried on my daughters birthday. She died on my cousins birthday. typical. She wanted to make sue we never forget her. As if I would. 🙂
That part of my life is over. But she lives on in my heart. She was a believer too. I take comfort from the scripture below, and as a result of her death and her final words she has changed me as a person. Firstly her death has made me realize that everything in life is temporary.
2 Corinthians 4:18
18while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal.
I made her a promise to write my life story, she also said to me two weeks before she died, “when I come out of hospital, I’m going to write a book”. 😦 My sister was strong and positive to the end.
She said ” don’t go backwards, Believe and don’t carry any feelings in your heart about anyone. she said don’t follow ignorance, as it’s better to die accepting God than not. This is a promise I will definately keep. Especially as we all live by faith not by sight.
When we see an old beautiful painting. We know for sure A PAINTER painted it. but we have never seen the painter. likewise everyone of us know God exists, because he gave us creation , but ignorance separates us from God.
Sorry for getting all biblical and mushy, but it’s my way of coping. I hope to be back on form soon. Thanks Andy. You have been a tower of strength.
Dedicated to my big sister B. Miss you terribly. Xx