We all arose..

Guilty was the verdict…

I was naturally found guilty of having articles with intent to damage property; given two years probation and informed that I would need to see the probation officer once a week. My solicitor had provided mitigation in the case. This was a relief as I really didn’t want to go back to Holloway prison.

As I left to walk out the courtroom I thought of all the inmates that I had left behind whom had been there some because of  circumstances beyond their control, some were normal first time offenders like myself  and in weird sort of way,   I knew prison for me wasn’t in holloway; it was my life on the outside. There was no escape out here.

When I arrived home that day I looked around me and realised that I was going to be on my own with five children, in some ways this was my fault as I hadn’t taken precaution. Nevertheless, I thought it had happened now, I still had my best friend and my neighbour. I decided to just get on with life. I had a warm bath and fell asleep alone.

I was taken into hospital a month early for induction due to the fact my baby was due in the christmas period and staff shortage. I was desperate for D to be at the birth and so I asked my Friend and my neighbour to try their best to get him there. I wanted  my new baby  to have  images of the father, just like the others as I was already thinking of the future. This was how D came to be at the birth. He didn’t say anything in the labour room but it didn’t matter. My best friend was very reluctant to have him there, and I could see by her face that she didn’t understand, but she did it for me.  D was with me throughout what would be my longest labour.  My little girl was delivered after nineteen hours and, as my Friend would always remind me,  and 20minutes.

After the birth my prized pictures were taken of D holding his new daughter; and I was now glad for him to leave. He didn’t really show any interest anyway. But, he had done the job and that was all that mattered.

On day three after my daughter was born, I had a visitor it was my mother in law, my heart was racing in my chest as since D left they didn’t care about me.  I hadn’t heard from them throughout the whole pregnancy yet, the  first thing she said was..

” I have come to see what it look like and if the baby belong to my son”.

“IT”, I thought. But I was afraid of her so I said nothing.

I was very uncomfortable as I now knew what they were all thinking.  D knew this was not true but was spreading the rumours that the baby was not his to allow himself to feel good. I guess it was his way to justify to the new girl, how I could be pregnant.   At this time the baby was in special care baby unit because she was born four weeks early so we walked in silence.  I was confident though especially as the baby had Ds  face. When we arrived in the unit, she had a look at her and said how pretty she was and left.

I didn’t care, I knew what she thought….

I left hospital  soon after and settled into my new life, my other children were still with my mummy but they were arriving back soon, mummy and I still weren’t getting along as she was still trying to poison my children’s  mind against their brother and sisters. She was totally against the idea that they could be real siblings and constantly drummed that into their heads.  That D was not their dad, that did upset me a lot as despite how D was to me he was a father to them. I decided it was best that they stopped seeing my mummy once they arrived back home. Eventually and amicable arrangement was made that year and my children returned home.

Life was a naturally a struggle  as I had no family.  One day  my friend turned up at the home unexpectedly with two bags of shopping I was very surprised, I felt ashame but oh so grateful. I recall going into the bathroom and crying, she was all I had at that time, and was more like my sister.  The problem was she was free, and I had five children.  I knew my life was a mess but felt there was nothing I could do. I vowed that I would not let anyone come between us, I dried my eyes  in the bathroom and went back downstairs she never knew…I had vowed that day that nothing would come between us, but predicting the future is an impossible task.

D had a close  family friend they called big J…he was six feet tall, stocky built and he had the loud  laugh that came from the gut, you could hear him accross the road.  He would often come to the home with tins of food including baby food that he would get from the factory he worked, at a fraction of the cost.  I welcome this as he could get fifty tins of baby food for the price I would pay for one.  So I welcomed his visits. 🙂

One Day big J, said he needed me to collect the sack as he had no transport and so off I went.   Big J lived alone and as I was always taught to mind my own business by mummy, I never asked.  I arrived at his home which was a fairlŷ large detached property.  Big  J showed me to the back room and we sat down.   We spoke about most things and he offered me something to eat.  During our conversation Big J said, he was disappointed that D could leave someone as nice as me and all his children.  I smiled but there was something about the way he said someone as nice as me…that made me feel uncomfortable but, I just brushed it aside. 

Big J. Then said something that made me very upset.  He went on to tell me that  it was  so bad that D, had brought his new lady to see the family, and that they all had sunday dinner together…  I was horrified, and the more he talked the more the tears filled my eyes.  I was so upset that my favourite one of the sisters had entertained this. This all confirmed my own idea that I was not important to anyone in this world.   As I stood up  to go to the bathroom.  Big J stood up too.  He held me and I just cried.

Big J was more like a father figure, so I welcomed this hug, until I realised he was holding me too tight. As I tried to let go from his embrace he gripped me tighter.   I could feel the familiar bulge inside his trousers as it pressed into my leg, as he was taller than me.

I tried to push him away…



This entry was posted in Experience, Memories and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to resilience

  1. riruro says:

    Oh boy… 😦


  2. Andy Oldham says:

    So glad you are writing my friend and healing in the process.


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