1988….Unforgettable

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I tried to to push him away..

but he just held me tighter rubbing himself against me.  Here we go again, I thought, as I heard the familiar male breathing becoming deeper.

I was afraid  to say the least, for many reasons, his size, he was Ds uncle,  he was an old man,  what would he tell people, the family already disliked me, the rumours were already spreading that my new baby daughter wasn’t Ds.    Many thoughts continued to  raced through my mind  as I wondered what to do.   I knew if he had managed to get me on the floor that would have been a problem, so I kept walking backwards.  I tried very hard to get away but he kept pulling me back.  He was smiling menacingly  and I could see the gold teeth at the front of his mouth shining, he laughed as if to say I  can have you if I want to.

I already knew that.

I could feel his beard accross my cheek and then on to my neck as he tried to somehow  connect my lips to his;  absolutely revolting. I felt as if I would vomit,  but there was no time to do that. The thought of what was about to happen to me  filled me with  dread, I was about to be raped.  AGAIN.  As  my mind raced to all the what ifs within what seemed like forever. I knew I would rather die than allow  Big J to do anything to me.

Big J.. was now trying to force me backwards to his bedroom, as I glanced around I could see the bed neatly spread as if waiting for contact.   I muscled all my strength and pushed him away looking directly in his eyes.  “I trusted you” I pleaded.  But Big J, well he continued to hold me while rubbing himself against my leg as if he was desperate.  Nasty experience indeed!

It all made sense now he took my vulnerability  for weakness, and I fell for it. Big J..well he knew I had no one. After all  who could I tell, in fact who would care.    Here I was in his home… Alone with a  Paedophile … It’s funny how you only remember things after an event.  As at that precise moment,  I could recall little Chinese whispers over the years at family gatherings,  that ” he loved young girls”, but no one directly spoke to me and in a room filled with people it’s hard to know who they were talking about.

Now I knew it was  Big J… I had walked right into his den.

I needed to get away but I was getting closer and closer to that bed..Big J.. held me so tight between his two legs, I pleaded and pleaded to let me go; until  I gave up  and just stood there motionless, I had stopped struggling. Time seem to stand still.

What will be will be  after all I was a nobody. There was no one in this world literally to love me or protect me. I felt my shoulders relax as i gave up.

Big J also seemed to stop the pulling and I felt his grip loosen, I am assuming it was guilt or the look of defeat on my face. at the time.  Without speaking I  walked over to where my handbag was to leave. No words were spoken.  “I will still take the food I came for” I said.

I was ashamed  but my children still needed to eat.  Humiliated I walked out the door pulling the sack of food behind me. There was no words said, but as I turned back to look at the door Big J was standing there.  I continued to  hobbled down the road with the sack of food for my children.  I was still a mum after all. I knew though that from now on I would never take anything from Big J.  I believe he knew that too.

This was never mentioned ever again until now.

My fear and dislike for men was becoming entrenched in my mind.  I would never put myself in such positions again, as it’s clear that women are always prey to attack, even when you least expect it, and from even those we cared about.

As I walked to the car, the idea of D taking his new lady to his parents house for Sunday dinner  didn’t seem to matter as much as what nearly took place.

When I arrived home, I made a bath and just washed myself, but flashbacks and his smells were still there, the only father figure I thought I could turn to was after me in a sexual way.  I was completely wrong with my judgement, too trusting or too desperate to belong.  Big J  wasn’t a father figure at all.  My lessons learned that day was that I would never leave my girls with anyone of the opposite sex.  I vowed to be their sole carer….

A few days after the incident, my best friend arrived to the home, I wanted to tell her but what was the point in that. Our relationship was pure and I wanted it to be untarnished by such things.  I decided against it. Having her around made my life so much brighter.  My little girl was named after her due to her physical, emotional support in the year  1988.

The children all settled in school, and gradually D started to come around some more.  My mummy was still threatening court actions for my girls and I  wanted to put an end to it; but unless I left the country I knew I was in for a long fight…

 

 

 

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6 Responses to 1988….Unforgettable

  1. Andy Oldham says:

    You are gallivant indeed to express your life with such heartening despair. I know this is a release of guilt to share this. I pray that with your words healing will arrive. Bless you dear Beverly!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beverley says:

    Thank you so much Terri. I’m not sure if its brave but I have kept the mask for so long. I need to be release from the bondage. Joyce Meyer is an inspiration. Even now writing the word rape causes laboured breathing. One day I know it won’t matter.u God says…when we pass through waters he will be there. When we pass through rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned . I’m a living testimony. A…as I’m still here.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. riruro says:

    As I read it feels like I’m looking in the mirror in so many ways… painful yet healing…It’s the realisation I guess that we’re not alone in this!
    God bless you Beverly xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Beverley says:

      Thank you Riruro. No we are not alone many out there that’s worse I guess. But every heart knows its own bitterness. I hope you somehow find healing too.

      Like

  4. Terri says:

    Beverley you are so brave to share this, actually all of your stories I know must take great courage to write. I am glad J stopped and did not rape you but still what he did do was wrong and just horrible and I am sure very traumatic still. God bless you for sharing your story Beverley.

    Liked by 1 person

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