The night always comes


Didn’t you know you had a brother name Zigg??

“Of course not,  how could I know”, I thought.

The situation was taking a crazy turn, I felt as if I would faint at the new revelation.

“Well you have a big family in Jamaica”  He said.

As a long term  sufferer of anxiety from a young age, it didn’t  take long to recognize the familiar  symptoms; sweating palms, tight chest,  and dizziness was returning, especially as I  tried to adjust to what my brother was saying to me.

The word Family meant the world to me, this is what I wanted all my life, but this was sudden.  In a matter of days, I had gone from being an only child to one with a brother possibly two.  A vivid flashback saw me playing under the bridge, making slingshots, pretending to make bread, playing shops, swimming. But the shadows did not reveal or answer my questions.

I was struggling to recall  my childhood; but the tape recorder  in my head was stuck on  pause and fast forward

Although I couldn’t put a face or connection to anyone, it made me wonder if these people in my vision were my brothers and sisters. It was if my mind was erased.  During the early part of my childhood there was no one ask about such things, recalling my mum was not that type of mother.

For  the first few months of arriving to the UK,  I did recall that I had brothers and sisters in Jamaica, but leaving so young coupled with all the abuse I had endured had suppressed the memories.   There was no one to keep the memories alive. therefore, I was left with  just fragments of my imagination. Sometimes when I had flashbacks I would put it down to dreams that I had created from a young girl.  Could it be possible that these were not dreams all along, and I had real brothers?, could it be just the way my subconscious mind  tried to keep the memories alive?

Rupert jolted me back to reality,  “Are you OK” he said.  I could only nod yes.

How is it my father never reminded me about these brothers and sisters?, I had asked him over the years  but he would not reply or he would say everyone was fine.   Now, I was desperate to find out more information, I  was so confused,  here I was in a country where I had no one.  I wanted to be back in Jamaica, but the problem is I was now 26 years old, the bond would be broken.    I needed the memories to come back  and like a sponge I tried to suck in all the information that my new brother was giving  to me.

My brother said he would get the information for me.

I didn’t think Rupert realized what he had done, and what meeting him meant to me.  When I arrived home after following my brother to the bus stop, I didn’t say anything,     That night instead of going to bed feeling happy, I had a severe headache, my brain was on overdrive and i felt into deep sleep.

I needed more information. I needed to know, I drifted off to sleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I  was woken that night with the feelings of tugging and pulling, At first I thought it was a dream, until I realized I was being woken to perform my duties. I tried to pretend I was in a deep asleep but it didn’t work. What made the situation worse was that I  smelt the stale alcohol on his  breath.  That always made me wretched.  I knew I had no choice but to get on with it, it was quicker than  the stress that would follow if I didn’t; and so I did with tears in my eyes as often the case.  I had got used to performing, my life was a stage and acting was my career.

what seemed like ages of rough, drunken one sided passion had ended.  Immediately I got up,  leaving D contented and  headed to the bathroom, damaged goods,  sitting on the toilet I  put my hand to my face and over my mouth to muffle  the sobs and just cried.  I then took the soap dish catch some water and poured it into the toilet slowly to bide me more time.

Here  I  was about to marry a man, for my own convenience, to stop the court case, to take away the shame I felt as an unmarried mother;  in return I would  become a legal bed partner.

“Its  OK! you are a mum and the children will have a family, the constant court battle with mum will end” After all “They  would be big soon”, I  told myself.

Who  was I kidding really?  my children  ages were 11, 10, 8, 3, and 1 years old.  I was 26 years old.  at this point in my life I  had not yet known happiness, and as I thought about the days event while  sitting on the toilet, I  realized that although meeting my brother had made the day so much brighter, I still felt incomplete, at that point I wondered if I  was in this world for a purpose,  or maybe I was just missing my father, but whatever it was that was troubling me it was not my pending wedding.

Nevertheless,  I was looking forward to what news my brother Rupert had in store.

I still felt unhappy, although curious.  I assumed it was because I had been knocked down so many times.

After a while just sitting on the toilet, thinking I heard  D  shout.  ” You ready for round two?” the sound of his voice startled me and broke my thoughts.

I’m coming I shouted back, like a good girl I needed to go and do my business. I needed to ignore the throbbing between my legs, and keep the peace.

As I got up of the toilet seat and pretending to flush the chain I knew tomorrow would be another day…

and I couldn’t help but wonder  what next…..

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