I was woken up by the sound of my alarm clock, and an headache that stretched across my forehead. I must have fallen asleep after round two, last night. The children were still asleep as it was 06.30 am; D had already left for work.
I laid on the bed and looked to the ceiling and thought about the events of yesterday, smiling to myself when I remembered meeting my brother face to face for the first time, thoughts about dinner, and our conversation that had left me speechless with many new thoughts, and finally last night. I tried so hard to will myself to remember the people I left behind but they were just shadows still no face. The abuse had suppressed my memories.
I was recalling the journey in my mind, trying to ask my own questions and answer them too. I wondered how long it would take for Rupert to get me information about my brothers and sisters. I thought of the wedding but although preparation were on the way, my mind was preoccupied. After a while I got up and made myself a cup of tea.
My temporary job was coming to a close and I had decided to go to the job center that morning, after dropping my daughter off to her childminder.
I attended the job center and observed all the vacancies on the board, choosing from a range of jobs. Although there were many jobs, I had low confidence and so the jobs I had collected were based on my experiences while doing chores whilst at home with mum. These jobs were warehouse assistant, cleaner, canteen assistance. chambermaid. I knew I couldn’t do anything else, but I needed the money.
After all I was good at those…
Once I had collected the cards, I made my way to the woman seated at the desk. She sat me down and went through the vacancies but said to me there was another vacancy that she thought was better for me and they were looking for three people, with immediate start.
The position was a residential social worker. I laughed.
“Me a residential social worker what could I possible offer anyone” I thought.
However the lady said it was a post looking after severely disabled children. Some with autism, down syndrome etc she said. I didn’t have a clue. It was a weekend night position. Well this was the best thing that she could have said. At weekends I would be free from my sexual duties. A smile lit up my face. I could have kissed her, little did the lady know she had made my day and my life was about to get easier.
I knew that no matter what happened I would have to get this Job.
Although I had never really seen a disabled child, I knew I would have to tell lies at the interview and all the way through, I would work hard. She made an appointment for me for the following Tuesday, informed me where to go and who to see. After leaving the building I went straight to the library, I was on a mission I needed to read up on one of these disabilities.
Tuesday arrived and I went for my interview. I was met by an ample black woman, she had a large personality and said she was the manager. I liked her straightaway. I was given the job, and shown the children. Some were in wheelchairs unable to talk and some had behavior problem I had never seen such disabilities. my heart went out to them immediately. It was still surprised even after reading about the children. As the interview began, she asked about my experiences.
“Oh my cousin has special needs” I said. I lied…..
“Which one” was her reply. I went on to inform her about this make believe cousin, it was as if i knew him. I was familiar with this tactic and use the same when I was pretending that I had a brother, in school (Here)
I was informed I could start in two weeks time.
An unexpected loophole…
Before I left my new manager gave me a friendly advice. To survive in a job like this she said.
“If you see something and nobody saw that YOU saw then you NEVER saw”
“Ok, I said.
My new manager had set the precedence for my future positions, she had amplified what my mother had taught me from a young age, to mind my own business.
I knew I was going to like this job…I knew I would like my manager. I felt bad that I had lied. “Sorry God”. I remember specifically saying to myself as I walked out the building.
God! where did that come from. I had not even thought of God in a long time….since I.made the promise, whilst in prison. But…. the name God would be popping up from time to time. Was i being called at that time?
When D arrived home that evening, after sorting the children, I told D I was given a new job, I didn’t tell him it was a weekend position. I left that little detail out..but I did say that the pay was good and that it would help towards the wedding preparations.
I was very tired that day and by evening the excitement of the day had taken its toll. In between thoughts, the idea of a family back home in Jamaica, was never far from my mind. Anyway, I tried to keep the children awake as long as possible especially as that evening D had been drinking as usual and I could hear him in the bathroom, he was getting ready.
He thought My offer of employment meant we had something to celebrate.
He was addicted to sex. After a while and as predicted he shouted from upstairs.
“Are the children not going to bed”, He asked
I became irritated; I often recited the poem in my head whenever I felt irritated. it was a poem I had seen when I was 11 years old at one of my mums friend house. I had sneakily copied it out. and when I was irritated I would recite it from memory. I had tried all means of surviving the hell I was living in. This was one of them and so I began….
Resolutions brave and new
Here is what I propose to do
Irritated I will suppress
Hasty words that cause distress
I will remember when I am blue
Others may have troubles too
When my plans are made in vain
With a smile i’ll start again..
I put the children to bed and headed to my room. Something was different about D.. He had a glare in his eyes; with a lump in my throat, I turned off the bedroom lights so he couldn’t see the tears and climbed into bed. I was able to cry so easily now.
The preparations for the wedding was well underway
D was becoming an alcoholic, He was becoming more aggressive when he drank…
He needed help….