For better or worse…

 

By the time the wedding  day arrived my main concern was whether mum would turn up and ruin the day, or my brother wouldn’t arrive.  I tried my utmost that mum wouldn’t find out where or when the day was.  At one point I had informed my brother Rupert that she was not the best mother and my fears.  He said he would be at the church and he would look out for any problems; that was a relief for me.

By now my other brothers and sister were communicating in particular my sister.  I had received her telephone number and we spent many hours on the phone catching up on lost time.  It appeared that her life was not easy either as she had experience domestic violence. She was sadden that we were separated, and she said she had replayed in her mind all the times we were together in Jamaica.  She remembered us going school together with my father, and how he would take it in turns to put us on  his shoulder.  Gradually with her help I  had started able to piece my childhood together, although some memories were never clear, the main thing was I actually remembered and could now identify the girl in my dreams.

It was easy to talk to my sister, she was everything I dreamt a sister could be.  Simply because she wanted a sister too.  We shared this unbreakable bond from day one., and although she couldn’t be a part of  the wedding it felt like she was. She had never forgotten me, and it was her hearts desire to be reunited.

We were now a unit.

My wedding day arrived and all the bridesmaid  were ready as well as cakes and cateres etc. Ds family were very helpful and was happy for the wedding, not sure if it was because it was an occasion or because there brother was getting married, although I’m sure they wanted him to be with someone else;  nevertheless,  D was now acting as a husband to me though noticed he was becoming more and more possessive…

The  emotional and physical abuse had damaged my trust and even though he appeared happy to be getting married , I couldn’t shake that feeling off. That he wouldn’t change.  He had killed any hope of us being happy as all the abuse emotionally and the constant accusations that I was sleeping around had taken its toll.  I would be one of the most honest, and faithful person he would ever meet.

I was never interested in the opposite sex, I made a mistake with P..  (Remember him) but was it a mistake to steal a moment of happiness? (Here) but I couldnt convince him due to his insecurities.

Could it be that he knew deep down he was being unkind?

How could I be sleeping around with five children, I hardly had time to breathe, with the school run, the constant solicitors, etc? Men just took what they wanted, they knew they could as it appeared that I had a label on my forhead which said.

SHES ALONE.

In fact I was never interested in sex;  from a young age, I learnt that nothing good ever came out of it. Although I had my children as a result it just brought back constant reminders.

For me sex signified child abuse, rape, babies and pain.

It would take a miracle for me to think otherwise.


As mentioned previously my best friend would be my chief bridesmaid, naturally.  However, by then she was eight months pregnant, and she was feeling fat and uncomfortable, not enjoying the pregnancy and expriencing, what is now termed “antenatal depression” as a result of hormonal changes in pregnancy.

My world fell apart when she informed me that she wouldn’t be coming to the wedding. I felt the  colour drained from my face, my legs buckled and panic set it. I knew what she was going through but the thought of her not being there was gut wrenching.

My first thought was selfish.  But I didnt want to get married without her.  I had to think quickly, so I said to her she could walk holding the youngest flower girls hand. After much persuasion.

She did.

The wedding went ahead without a hitch, Rupert gave me away  we had a black stretch limousine, the church the food, everything was set. My neighbour and her family helped a great deal my cousins in Brixton arrived and everyone said it was the best wedding they had been to. It was time for the first dance and I smiled as D took my hand as the wedding song played I wandered if my life would change, would D change?  or  was this all for the benfit of the peope gathered around? Would I have an happy ever after like the girls in the story book? And then I thought maybe it was me, because he was willing to marry me.

 

During the dance I hoped that the song  above meant something, and even if it didnt I decide I needed to make this work, as being married would take a way the stigma attached to having five children.  I would be respectable.

I decided I would try.

I promised myself that I would give him what he wanted, I felt that my downstairs had taken enough battering in my life and I was doomed to washing, cooking, cleaning and pleasuring D.  I hated my life.  I had learnt to block out the pain as each time I performed my duties, I would imagine I was somewhere else.


Over the coming months D’s  demands for sex got worse and it had become difficult to refuse, due to the emotional abuse.  After all I was now legally  HIS PROPERTY.

The rougher he became the more I was reminded of the previous rapes…I was now starting to experience anxiety attacks on a regular basis when the night came.  The recurrent nightmares had also began about my mother. (here).


I was now working every weekend so I only had five days of the week to perform my duties.  This helped as the sessions were becoming longer and I was becoming sore. I wasn’t sure how long I would cope, but it continued.

One day I said to D, ” you need to see a doctor” he flew into such a rage and showered me with mental abuse.  He then spat the words at me,  that on our wedding night we didn’t do anything, we had no sex. I actually couldn’t understand this until this day the sudden abuse that night.  I  hadn’t even remembered but I recall the day of the wedding was extreemly tiring and stressful.  I was exceedingly tired, in a way that I never knew I could be; So when we arrived home finally that evening, I felt that my body was not mine and I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Another thing I remembered was…

When I was woken early hours of the night for my wife duties. I for the first time had said “No”

That answer would  turn out to be the totally wrong answer as for the rest of time and during any future arguments I was not allowed to forget that on our wedding night I had failed to consumate the marriage.  consumate, the word was hilarious considering the whole relationship had been over consumated, I was tired I would always retaliate but sadly that  had made no difference…


We was invited to a party, by now Ds drinking had become remarkably worse and he would drink everyday. I attended the party, but I hated it as parties were not my scene. I liked the quiet life. nevertheless we went as D wanted me there. it was a hall in school and as people crammed inside. I walked in and stood on the right hand side with a family female friend. D went off to talk at the complete opposite end of the hall.

 

Yet, in the dark. he claimed to see me dancing with someone. naturally the person beside me must have been dancing as I was never crazy enough to do such thing with D present. He had me under control. All I knew was I was grabbed by the throat from behind and dragged out the building. The female friend ran after us shouting that I was innocent but D was having none of it. He was convinced. I was beaten up outside the building in front of the other party goers.

After he was pulled off me. I saw the family friend and the look of shock on her face, this made a small teardrop fall from my eyes. I bent down to pick up my shoe that had come off my feet during the scuffle. D turned and went back inside.

I bent down to collect one if my show that had come off during the assault. All I could hear was the snigger from some people and the laugh from others. I held my head in the air  as I headed back home.

I walked all the way for five miles as by that time buses were no longer running.

After I had walked a while a car pulled up….

 

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