After I had walked a while a car pulled up….
It was his brother, I still dont understand why or how he just appeared out of the blue at three o clock in the morning, in an area Othat he did not reside. Nevertheless, I was glad to see him especially as a woman walking alone at night was looking for trouble. He drove up to me quite surprise but once he saw my face and clothes, he knew.
“My brother yeah, ” He said.
I informed him what happened and told him that D had been drinking heavily, and it would be no point speaking to him, but he decided to turn the car around to look for him. I was not particularly interested in finding D, especially as I knew his brother, (name also starting with D), was no match for him. I didn’t care if D came back that night but they were still family and the less I said the better.
He turned the car around and headed back up the road to find D, looking left and right as he drove around. After a while…
We saw him..
He was walking and swaying accross the road, unable to walk in a straight line, as if any minute he would fall down. It was very obvious he was drunk, and I was hoping he would be arrested, but no police cars came. I always wondered when he drank so much how did he have the ability to find home, and night he was as drunk as always and he was heading home.
His brother turned to me and said. “I dont know how you do it”
Funny how things had changed from when I first met the family, that one of their member would start to care what I thought. Still I couldnt tell him I needed my children free from my mum and the courts. I couldnt tell him this was life for me, and my children needed the stability.
But what I did say was.
“He will change”…..how wrong I was… D came to the car and was helped inside. The stench of alcohol filled the air, D appeared not to remember much of what took place at the dance, and proceeded to fall asleep with his head against the glass as soon as the car drove off. I recalled the earlier conversation with his brother.
Change… I thought not. As I glanced over at D fast asleep in the car.
Life with D had its ups and downs, sometimes when he was in a good mood we would laugh at simple things, and watch tv. We never actually went out together and were total opposites, I found my life boring and repetitive. D’s main love was alcohol, his family his children especially his first two children. The bond didn’t quite develop with the last child due to all that was happening when she was conceived. As a result I was more protective to her, especially as I grew up hating injustice.
D was a provider and food was never an issue, while he was at home, he would give me money for what I needed. On the many occasions when he left to rent a room elsewhere, I had to fend for myself. This wasn’t a problem as it made me independent and having my own job helped in several ways too. I was able to provide the necessities for my eldest two children so that they were never a burden on D.
I guess my first word from the past had returned. Pride.
The words I had learnt over the years had prepared me for my independence, and these words mentioned many times before ..helped me during those hard times. My biggest issue with D was his execessive sexual appetite as well as the stamina he had for hours on end. Leaving me sore unclean and unhappy but the bonus was less violence in the home.
Looking back, I would often believe D loved me, then in a second I would tell myself that maybe it was because that was what I wanted to believe; but I can also remember there were occasions when there was no violence, but that really meant doing what he said to keep the peace.
I still saw my neighbour and best friend on a regular basis, and by now my neighbour and I were in each other’s home continiously. I was at that time jealous of her relationship with her partner, as he was always taking her places and it seemed they really enjoyed the comforts of life. I would see her regularly going to the beach on a Sunday or he would pay for them to go abroad. They weren’t financially comfortable but he was a “good partner”. This caused me to make comparison between the two men.
Where my neighbors husband was a jack of all trades, and made sure their home was decorated to a high standards. D was prepared to drink himself stupid and lounge on the chair. He would make things around the house but never completed tasks, this left the home in a state of disrepair.
Much to my dismay, I found it difficult to juggle the home and five children and a part time job, and do my business at nights. The home was untidy! And although I was still communicating with my sister.
I was losing myself.
My best friend on the other hand was also in my life and she was one of the only people that could make me smile and really mean it. Especially as unbeknown to her, I was going through abuse. She did know that I was unhappy and although she was the person. I adored the most it was something that would have made her upset.
So I avoided the main truth. There were regular issues with D, but I was able to keep that to myself what was the use the punches and slaps became a regular occurrence as his need for more alcohol rose. I do not recall a time with D when we went out and came back in peace. Some things had changed though I was becoming closer to his sister,(Primrose, not real name). I had started to tell her certain things that he was miserable and ignorant.
But nothing else.
Although I thought she and his family had started to notice he was drinking excessively; They just said matter of fact that “D just took after his father”, whom was also violent. No big deal for them.
After all who was I anyway, just someone craving affections from families that were not my own…