Trying to take back control.


There were regular issues with D, but I was able to keep that to myself what was the use the punches and slaps became a regular occurrence as his need for more alcohol rose. I do not recall a time with D when we went out and came back in peace. In fact I do not recall a good month when there wasnt a problem.  One thing I was careful about was not allowing the children to witness.

I didnt want them to think I was weak.

Some things had changed though since we became husband and wife.  I was becoming closer to his sister,(Primrose, not real name). She was the sister I said previously that was nice to me when I first met D. Well I had started to tell her certain things , but left the main details out, that he was miserable and ignorant.

But nothing else.

I was relieved, when  I thought she and the  family had started to notice D was drinking;  but they just said  as a matter of fact that “D just took after his father”, whom was also violent.

No big deal for them.

During those times I was sure to put my mask on when I felt out of control. I had also noticed that I had found a new coping mechanism. I would cry uncontrollable for days and in that time I would over assess the situation, rewind events in my mind, and totally soak in self pity. As I tried to work out solutions and simply just cry repeatedly. I had noticed the pattern.

Then nothing,..the tears would stop and  I would bounce back and start again.

This method allthough crazy to some was my way of coping when I felt as if I was sliping. there were  many of those times.

D continued to drink heavily and at every opportunity. He would become more aggressive and demanding. He would claim to forget afterwards and so it went on.   I was the doting wife on the outside, the employee,  the mother who had it all together, whose children were well kept, yet on the inside I was lonely, I was fallen apart, miserable, trapped. I became resentful of life as I knew nothing good would ever come out of it. But.

I was his wife..werent I?.

Eventually, I had started to refuse to go any where with him trying to take back some control. This was because on almost every occasion jealousy took over and the evening would turn to violence.  D would slowdance infront of women and while drunk he would try touchy feely irrespective of who was watching.  Total embarassment.   I recall one occasion whilst at a birthday party, his older the sister whom didn’t like me had started to feel uncomfortable with his antics and made It clear it wasnt acceptable. I’m still unclear if it was to prevent her own shame.

D was a bully pure and simple he was menancing, he looked a threat and this was confirmed confirmed when my own General practioner (GP) said. ” I wouldnt like to see him in a dark alley”  If only he knew.  The worse part for of the marriage for me was not the violence to which I was accustomed to, [ it’s sad when one can say they were use to violence,] I  was becoming immune. I didn’t like the possessiveness and jealousy and D’s Jealousy was on another level It  made me anxious. D had even started becoming jealous even when I spoke for too long on the phone to my sister in Jamaica. He felt that we should talk in front of him. However, although I felt trapped in a marriage I kept reminding myself that D would change.  I was afraid of being totally alone again as I was as a child.                        .

That I could change, that everything could change.

Looking back I could never have been the wife D wanted as I was emotionally and physically damaged from the age of six and a half. I could not be anyone’s wife, as I didn’t know how to be, my life was lived through story books as there was no parental/adult guidance/influence. My life was also built on observations of people around me.  I became quite needy and once I  was shown any affection by anyone, I clung to it  as I did with my neighbour and my best friend.

Clinging to people was an  unhealthy way to live my life, I didnt now any better, especially as I had a lot of love to give others, but others were not like me and  I was going to find out the hardest way possible…



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